| Dear Enabler-Victim Friends: Our actions reflect our | | | | assaults you with words, you're not sure. If you feel |
| belief system. As a recovering enabler, I have | | | | like you've been smacked, you have been. |
| discovered that we enablers adhere to many | | | | Never-ending Impossible |
| common beliefs and thought processes as we | | | | You are never good enough, but you still keep |
| attempt to cope in an abusive relationship. Maybe it's | | | | striving to please. From the abuser's perspective, |
| time to compare some of our thoughts to reality. | | | | whatever you do for him is the least you should do. |
| See for yourself whether I know what you're | | | | Keep up the good work, or suffer the consequences. |
| thinking, with the help of my own version of ESP: | | | | Mystery Man |
| "Enabler-isms Stated Plainly" | | | | The abuser is one man in public and another in |
| Who's Convincing Whom? | | | | private. Acquaintances may tell you how charming |
| The abuser is trying to convince you that you are | | | | and personable your guy is. Ask yourself, "Who is he |
| not worth loving, and you are trying to convince him | | | | when no one is looking?" That's the man he really is. |
| that you are. | | | | Can't Have It Both Ways |
| All You Need is Love | | | | He says you are the one who makes him "act that |
| You believe that if you can prove to the abuser that | | | | way." If you have the power to make him treat you |
| he is loved, he will change. In truth, the abuser | | | | poorly, why is it you don't have the power to make |
| doesn't care whether or not he is loved (he prefers | | | | him stop treating you poorly? |
| to be feared), and he has no intention of changing. | | | | Right and Wrong |
| The Abuser Hears What You Don't Say | | | | You believe that you are special enough that the |
| In an abusive relationship, when you fail to say "no," | | | | abuser will want to change for you. You're right: You |
| he hears "yes." You've been consenting to his abuse | | | | are special. And you're wrong: He doesn't want to |
| for so long, you're afraid to say "no." You have | | | | change for anyone. |
| silently given your consent. "No" feels like a risky | | | | Misplaced Loyalty |
| word. But not saying it is even riskier. | | | | You may think, "No one else would stay with him |
| Stop Trying So Hard | | | | under these circumstances, but I will." No one else |
| You believe that if you try harder, the abuser will | | | | would stay with him under those circumstances |
| appreciate you. The more he abuses you, the harder | | | | because no one should. |
| you try. That's what he appreciates. | | | | It's Not What You Think It Is |
| I'm So Confused | | | | When you forgive the abuser, you are offering grace |
| After crossing the line, the abuser may offer fresh | | | | and investing faith in him. From his perspective, you |
| promises or gifts to confuse you. Perhaps you are | | | | are weak, and he was clever enough to convince |
| learning that they are bribes and other forms of | | | | you to let him off the hook. |
| manipulation and should not be construed as | | | | Blah, blah, blah: |
| repentance or regret. His objective is appeasement, | | | | You believe that if you can find the right words, he |
| not change. | | | | will hear you. Words are just words. He can put up |
| Subjective Truth | | | | with your blather for a while, then ignore everything |
| There is truth, and then there's his truth. He is so | | | | you said. He has weathered other verbal storms. |
| passionate about his version of truth that you feel | | | | What makes this one any different? |
| obligated to believe it, not because it is true, but | | | | Quit Your Crying |
| because he seems convinced that it is. | | | | Why is it that crying doesn't affect him? Because the |
| He's Right | | | | abuser either sees tears as a form of manipulation, |
| In an abusive relationship, even if you're right, you're | | | | or they empower him by proving that he has you |
| still wrong. Right? | | | | under his thumb. |
| You Lose | | | | Holding What Together? |
| The abuser will twist reality in whatever manner he | | | | You are doing the best you can, believing you are |
| must in order to "win." An enabler will almost | | | | holding your family together. Unfortunately, fearful, |
| inevitably give in to the abuser's will out of utter | | | | wounded, tortured souls living under the same roof |
| frustration and emotional exhaustion, and he knows | | | | are not much more than fearful, wounded, tortured |
| it. | | | | souls living under the same roof. |
| But He Has His Good Qualities, Too | | | | For those who are just beginning to explore the |
| You are the abuser's greatest critic - and his biggest | | | | abuse dynamic, these realizations may be shocking or |
| fan. You cannot stand against abuse while | | | | even debilitating. Just know that acknowledging the |
| simultaneously defending the abuser. Stop rationalizing | | | | truth is the first step toward empowerment and |
| his behavior. | | | | freedom. |
| He Says He Loves Me | | | | You deserve better. In your heart, you know that. |
| What do his actions say? Learn not to put so much | | | | But, thinking about wanting your life to change |
| stock in what you hear, and pay closer attention to | | | | doesn't change anything. If you want your life to |
| what he does. | | | | change, you will probably have to be the one to |
| What Was That? | | | | change it. And, remember: Safety first. Get support, |
| When someone physically slaps you, there's no | | | | be wise, and don't bite off more than you can chew. |
| question you've been smacked. When someone | | | | Learn more. Get help. Break the cycle. |