| As a domestic violence survivor, you know that you | | | | abusers only seek to know you as an extension of |
| use compliance and submission to keep a lid on your | | | | them. Thus, if you are catering to his/her needs and |
| partner. And the net result is you keep violence at | | | | supporting life from his/her vision and dreams, all is |
| bay...or so it appears. | | | | well. |
| While this is a very effective strategy to stay safe in | | | | But the day will come when both you and your |
| one's home, it has its price. What are your compliance | | | | partner realize that he/she has no clue as to who and |
| and your submission costing you? | | | | what you are. And as a habit, he/she will fail to |
| Compliance and submission exercised to keep a lid on | | | | factor you in as a participating partner in the |
| one's violent partner yields the following: | | | | relationship, which then... |
| 1) Keeps you in the dark with respect to who and | | | | 3) Tells you and your partner that your relationship |
| what you are. If you routinely dismiss factoring in | | | | consists of one person. If your desires and |
| your desires, you ultimately lose sight of what they | | | | preferences are withheld or dismissed, you implicitly |
| are. You become accustomed to making decisions | | | | agree not to exist in the relationship. |
| without checking in with yourself. | | | | In an abusive relationship, this, too, works fine. In |
| In your abusive relationship, you can expect this to | | | | fact, this is a requirement for the abusive relationship |
| help keep peace. Without anything rocking the | | | | to maintain itself. There can only be one "real" person |
| boat-like your individual opinions, you anticipate | | | | in the relationship in order for it to prevail. The other |
| smooth sailing. | | | | person is there to support the existence and |
| But the day will come when you realize that you, | | | | expression of the dominant, controlling party in the |
| yourself, do not know who and what you are. And | | | | relationship. |
| even more disturbing, you've lost the tools to access | | | | Ultimately, over time, it occurs to you that you have |
| your inner knowing, your personal preferences, your | | | | no relationship. Because your "relationship us" is really |
| individual needs, desires and dreams. | | | | about one person-your abusive partner. |
| 2) Keeps your partner in the dark with respect to | | | | If you are using compliance and submission to keep |
| who and what you are. If your preferences are | | | | peace in your home, be mindful of the long-term |
| consistently shoved to the side, your partner cannot | | | | disturbance that you are inevitably creating for |
| cultivate an authentic appreciation of who you are. | | | | yourself. Seek to break the cycle of domestic abuse, |
| In an abusive relationship, this works fine because | | | | before you lose yourself in your relationship. |