| "Dr. King, speak to how it is for the mature woman in | | | | dating or married life may see this "bad" relationship |
| an abusive relationship and how it is for her when she | | | | as more easily dispensable even though she, too, |
| leaves," writes a reader. | | | | knows the dangerous and difficult burden of her exit. |
| My knee jerk response to this request was, "the | | | | 2) The mature battered woman has more ties, more |
| dynamics are the same." Battering is battering is | | | | history, and sees her life with less road ahead of her. |
| battering. An abuse dynamic that is long standing or | | | | Whereas, a younger woman-while entangled in the |
| discovered later in life resembles an abuse dynamic | | | | same battering dynamic-measures what she lives |
| earlier in life. | | | | relative to the potential life ahead. |
| If it is, indeed, "intimate partner violence," it will carry | | | | So, for the woman in her fifties, sixties or even |
| all of the defining characteristics of: controlling and | | | | seventies, it's about now. And for the woman in her |
| possessive behavior, externalization of blame, lack of | | | | twenties and thirties, it's about later. |
| empathy, isolation, and the use of battering to | | | | 3) The mature woman has sufficient resources to |
| establish and maintain unequal power in the | | | | start her live over, though she may not believe it. |
| relationship. | | | | And the younger, less experienced woman may also |
| While this is true, the way the abuse dynamic | | | | feel she has fewer resources, less life experience, |
| expresses itself may vary from immature adolescent | | | | less foundation on which to build a new life. |
| style to a more mature disposition, depending on the | | | | Resources can be rallied up at any point along life's |
| age of the people entangled in the abusive | | | | road. And so when I hear middle-age women declare |
| relationship. And the domestic violence survivor's | | | | defeat because they "can't" compete with a younger |
| experience may be quite different depending on her | | | | workforce, I say, "You have not found your inner |
| age. | | | | resources." |
| Here is how... | | | | If you are a mature woman in or leaving an abusive |
| 1) The mature woman has internalized the | | | | relationship, know there is more ahead when you |
| multifaceted domestic abuse survivor fabric into the | | | | give yourself the opportunity to find and become the |
| core of her being, as she has worn this cloak for | | | | person that you may have been conditioned to |
| decades. This poses a greater commitment to | | | | ignore. You can become the self-sufficient, self- |
| change, because often it will involve giving up | | | | respecting, whole person, with the dignity that you |
| everything that she may think defines herself. | | | | long for at any point along life's path. |
| Whereas, the woman with only a short period of her | | | | |