Breaking the Chain of Generational Pain

In my years of practice I have heard stories offather finds himself flying into a rage like his
children coping with adversity such as dire poverty orrage-aholic father, a behavior he swore he would
a high level of family conflict. I have also heardnever repeat.
appalling stories from my clients of growing upIncidents like these can be valuable opportunities to
experiencing child abuse, molestation, or an alcoholic,break the chain of generational pain.
raging parent.In psychotherapy the client describes and takes full
It is surprising how resilient children can be. A studyresponsibility for his or her alarming and unacceptable
documented that if a child has only one supportivebehavior. He or she re-visits the family system where
adult or mentor, such as a teacher, coach orthey first observed the alarming behavior. Now, as an
grandparent, they can overcome great adversity andadult, one can analyze the family process. One now
become a productive adult. I am truly humbled whenhas the ability to think critically and reflect on how
I meet someone who has mastered such adversity.dysfunctional family behavior affected the person as
Every family has strengths and weaknesses. Each ofa child. Often the client gets in touch with emotional
us holds templates in our sub-conscious mind that arepain that has long been buried and unexpressed.
the product of our childhood experiences. Our familyThe object of this exploration is not "parent bashing."
of origin was our first school and we were enrolledIt is not an excuse to claim victim status. Most
for 18 years, plus or minus. We absorbed manyparents raise their children doing the best they can
lessons un-critically because we had no comparisons.with what they know at the time.
When a person grows up, marries and starts a newRather, naming and understanding patterns of
family, these templates come to life. The personbehavior gives the client a powerful tool to change
begins to act out behavior that he or she observedbehavior. The un-desirable behavior is no longer an
as a child in their family home. A partner oftenautomatic response. The person can now choose to
doesn't recognize this process because it comesbehave in a different manner and "break the chain."
from programs in the sub-conscious mind.He or she can create a family life where
Having children has a similar effect. A mother, wholoving-kindness is the rule and not the exception and
promised that she would never yell at her child in anwhere children grow up to be confident and
abusive manner, finds herself yelling at her child. Or, acompetent young adults.