Broken Men

"It is easier to build strong children than to repairunhappy family is unhappy in its own way." -- Leo
broken men." -- Frederick DouglasTolstoy
Whether this is true or not is certainly less thanYour family is like other families in many ways. It has
obvious. The lack of clarity starts with the meaningits ups and downs, strengths and vulnerabilities, its
of "strong children" and "broken men." The ambiguityproblems and opportunities. Your family is not perfect
extends to include how one might go about building anor is it without its moments of perfection. As is true
child, strong or not, and the skills and tools needed tofor other families, yours is somewhere between
repair broken men. If one posits that "strong children"what you hope it can be and what you sometimes
are kids who are well adjusted and that "brokenfear it might become. Buddha expressed the tension
men" are adults who are maladjusted, the aphorism isof hope and fear like this, "A family is a place where
likely true.minds come in contact with one another. If these
Adults may become maladjusted, i.e., "broken," afterminds love one another the home will be as beautiful
they are adults. This can happen due to numerousas a flower garden. But if these minds get out of
causes and circumstances; but since Douglasharmony with one another it is like a storm that plays
connects strong children and broken men, it is fair tohavoc with the garden." Tolstoy's happy family,
conclude that he is focusing on a presumedBuddha's beautiful flower garden, and your hope
connection between childhood and later adultsymbolize the potential for harmony and well-being
adjustment. His point is that it is easier to bring upfor you and yours.
well adjusted children than it is to correct theJust as your child wants your unconditional love and
maladjustment of adults, when the adultencouragement, you want him to love you, to love
maladjustment is a result of a problematic childhood.himself, to love other people, and to love the world
It's certainly true that some children grow to bearound him. You express your love through hugs,
maladjusted adults, despite receiving appropriateplaying, and doing things together. You encourage him
developmental support and nurturing throughout theirto share his feelings, fears, and frustrations. At the
childhood. This sad reality gives proof to thesame time, you give him the freedom to grow and
conclusion that building strong children is far fromto experience the bigger world. You want him to
easy and is occasionally not possible. It's also truehave an exciting life of his own, knowing that his
that inadequate developmental support and nurturingrelationship with you is secure and predictable.
nearly guarantee that children will grow up to beIn addition, you want your child to respect you, to
maladjusted adults. Further, the severity of adultrespect himself, to respect other people, and to
maladjustment is proportional to the degree ofrespect the world about him. You know that much of
inadequacy: the more severe the neglect, the morehis attitude toward himself and toward the world
severe the adult maladjustment.about him comes from your attitude about him.
The hidden truth here is that the resulting adultJust as children learn to love by being loved, they
maladjustment is usually only partially repairable; andlearn respect for self and others by being respected.
far too frequently, the damage is not repairable at all.Your behavior, attitudes, and beliefs will be reflected
The long term effects of child neglect are usuallyin your child. More than you may ever know, he
serious and often permanent. A family, community,"does as you do."
or society that neglects its children is committed toChildren also develop attitudes toward themselves
the creation of maladjusted adults. It's as simple asand others as a response to the attitudes and beliefs
that.others communicate to them. In part, your child will
Despite energetic protestation, denial, and endlessbecome what you tell him he will become. You
rhetoric to the contrary, the neglect of children isconvey this definition of self through your physical,
extensive in systematic in virtually all communities,emotional, spiritual, and social interactions with him as
states, and throughout the country. If you doubtwell as through the way you relate as his parent.
that, look at the inadequacy of public education,Beyond these things, there is a whole world of
health care for many children, inadequate housing,influences over which you have little control. Your
drug abuse and crime, family violence, and the myriadhope must be that you have nourished and nurtured
of other ways children are being neglected. Lookyour child's potentials so that he can effectively deal
carefully because what you see is the very real andwith the multiple influences of the world. You hope
ongoing commitment of community, state, andthat your loving respect has been strong enough and
national leaders to adult maladjustment, what Douglasclear enough to be integrated into his being as he
calls "broken men."moves out into a world that may not perceive him
If you are committed to a world of fewer brokenas unique. His sense of being special comes from you.
men, a world where children are valued and notYou can only trust that it is solid enough to last him a
neglected, start with your children and your family.lifetime.
"All happy families resemble one another; every