| Change began for me almost 7 years ago now. And | | | | deal'. If anyone out there reading this has those |
| boy, was I impatient for change to take place! I | | | | memories and thinks they were no big deal, believe |
| wanted it all to be different--as of yesterday! That | | | | me when I say that abuse of ANY kind IS a big deal. |
| seems to be the way our society is programmed | | | | Childhood abuse freezes us in those childhood beliefs, |
| nowadays. We are a 'quick fix' society. If we want | | | | and we basically become 'adult children'. The child |
| something, we've got to have it right now! There | | | | within us becomes frozen, and cannot grow up. So |
| should be no waiting involved...no delayed | | | | every time we encounter events and situations that |
| gratification....no patience needed. | | | | trigger those feelings and beliefs within us, we |
| But that's not how internal change happens. If we | | | | become that frightened child again. No matter how |
| hold deep-seated beliefs that we formed when we | | | | old we are! Until we can learn to reprogram those old |
| were very young, those beliefs are difficult to | | | | tapes in our head; until we are able to face the pain |
| change, to be sure. And often it's even difficult to | | | | we are feeling; until we are begin to consciously |
| recognize that we need change at all! | | | | change those old ways of thinking and belief |
| So how did it begin for me? Well, honestly, I didn't go | | | | patterns, that terrified child will continue to come |
| looking for it. I was quite happy, as a matter of fact, | | | | forth in our lives, and though we are adults, we |
| to keep my head buried in the sand. In fact, if things | | | | behave as children. |
| didn't begin to change around me, I might still be | | | | That is exactly what was happening, and had |
| where I was 7 years ago! Yes, even though there | | | | happened, to me. The adult part of me seemed |
| was some understanding that things just weren't | | | | taken over by a child, a child that could not cope |
| right, I still did not want to look at my life. I stayed | | | | with the regular responsibilities of an adult life. It |
| (unhappily) in denial for a very long time. | | | | became so clear to me that the frightened child was |
| Then, one day a friend told me about a book she | | | | in charge. And what the frightened child understood |
| was reading. It was called "The Artist's Way by Julia | | | | was dissociation. |
| Campbell. That book is how my inner changes started | | | | Thus began the start of a very slow and painful |
| to come about. The Artist's Way is a life changing, | | | | process--facing the pain that I had suppressed. And I |
| twelve week program that focuses on facing your | | | | was impatient! I remember going to the counselor |
| feelings, for one thing. That is something I had never | | | | week after week and asking when will I be better? |
| really been willing to do. Through the course of this | | | | When will I be able to cope? When can I get back to |
| book, I began to learn to journal-and quite possibly it | | | | living again? And she would say, in time, in time you |
| was learning to journal my "Morning Pages" that | | | | will get there. You must be patient with yourself. |
| began to bring feelings to the surface. Feelings I had | | | | If I learned nothing else from that experience, I |
| repressed for many, many years. I attribute the | | | | learned patience! And you know what? Though I |
| beginning of change to this first experience. | | | | doubted the counselor's promise that I would be well, |
| Completing this 12 week program was the beginning | | | | she was totally right! As I entered each new phase |
| of bigger change for me. | | | | of my healing, I could see that yes, I was getting |
| I believe that if we choose to ignore unhealthy | | | | better! As I got to know that frightened child inside |
| behaviors or beliefs, that down the road, we will | | | | me, as I began to learn to love her and re-parent her |
| have to come face to face with them in one way or | | | | back to health, my outer life began to change |
| another. And that is what happened to me. Basically, | | | | dramatically too! Why? I began to see change |
| life as I knew it broke down completely, and I was | | | | because ultimately, as I learned to love and honor |
| unable to cope. My 'coping' mechanism involved laying | | | | the child within, I was learning to love myself. That's |
| for hours and hours on my bed, staring at the wall. I | | | | a feeling I had never really known before. |
| did not understand it then, but I was dissociating. To | | | | This time of healing did not come quickly. In our |
| dissociate means to remove oneself emotionally from | | | | society today we seem to have to be able to do |
| things too painful to face. And at that time, my | | | | and have everything right now--but changing our |
| entire life was too painful to face! | | | | emotions, beliefs, and the way we do things day to |
| Somehow I knew I needed help to get through this. | | | | day, does not come 'right now', no matter how |
| So I went to my doctor, who put me in touch with a | | | | impatient we are, or how we try to rush things, or |
| counselor. It was during that time that I began to | | | | how frustrated we become! Change takes time, but |
| recall scenes of abuse from my childhood. Some of | | | | the new life it can bring is worth it a million times |
| these were memories I had always carried with me, | | | | over. |
| but I had told myself what happened was 'no big | | | | |