| Being a child of critical parents, how much | | | | I am presently estranged from both of my parents, |
| mistreatment is enough? How much wishing things will | | | | but each relationship manifested itself completely |
| change do you do? How many second chances do | | | | differently. What was the drawing-line in one |
| you give your parents? When do you draw the line | | | | relationship was not the same drawing-line for the |
| and create boundaries? When do you cut ties? | | | | other. My Dad's relationship was progressively souring, |
| How to Deal with a Critical Parent | | | | whereas my mother's relationship was cyclical with a |
| Understand that a parent who gives in to the desire | | | | distinct blow-up suddenly initiating an estrangement. In |
| and need to criticize a vulnerable child is on some | | | | other words, my Dad & my relationship was a |
| level cruel, ignorant and completely unaware. Why | | | | slow decline leading to an estrangement, and my |
| else would they give in to the temptation to make | | | | mother & my relationship went into an |
| their own children feel so badly about themselves? | | | | estrangement abruptly. |
| They either lack understanding as to what their | | | | My Mother: the suddenly critical parent |
| words are doing, or they lack kindness. Either way, | | | | My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), |
| they are lacking. Every time they criticize you, tell | | | | and we've been estranged off and on in 5 year |
| yourself that this shows that they are the ones who | | | | cycles for most of my life. During 'good' times, her |
| are flawed, not you. Just remember that just | | | | BPD symptoms consisted of inappropriate social |
| because you're genetically linked (or adopted by) this | | | | behavior, bouts of depression, impulsive behaviors |
| person, doesn't give him / her the right to mistreat | | | | (shopaholic, over-eating, hording, self-medicating), and |
| you. | | | | unstable patterns of social relationships. During the |
| How to address your critical parent can be a tricky | | | | 1999 - 2004 period, her dysfunctional and critical |
| proposition. People in general can become defensive, | | | | behaviors were not aimed at me, and therefore, we |
| retreat, or run away. But when the person is your | | | | floated along in a relationship. |
| own parent, so many more dynamics come in to | | | | Prior to our 2004 estrangement, my mother and I |
| play. And although you may make the most | | | | were getting along very well. We visited with each |
| honorable, loving, and concerted effort to keep the | | | | other at least two times a month, I was helping her |
| relationship afloat, your parent may not see things | | | | to get her house organized & cleaned, and we |
| the same way you do. The following is a series of | | | | talked on the phone often sharing life experiences. If |
| steps I took to approach my critical parents: 1. Do | | | | my mother had remained stable as describe, I could |
| Nothing: For a long time, I did nothing. I thought that | | | | tolerate the quirks and would maintain contact. I |
| after time, the judgmental criticisms would go away | | | | never thought I had an authentic relationship with |
| when I proved myself to be worthy. I thought that | | | | her, however, as I had to walk on eggshells around |
| after I exhibited my independence and showed how | | | | her regarding my Dad, my childhood, and any |
| successful I was as a person, my parent would | | | | discussions related to either. |
| magically become this nicer, unconditionally loving, and | | | | My estrangement with my mother started mid-way |
| careful parent. WRONG. Obviously, doing nothing | | | | through 2004 (Little Women) when she didn't agree |
| won't change how your critical parent treats you. So | | | | with what my then fiance (now husband) and I were |
| if doing nothing is the option chosen, you'll have to | | | | discussing in regard to our wedding. We didn't have |
| accept that he / she is the one that is flawed and | | | | any wedding plans; in fact, we hadn't even started |
| know that he / she will not change. I wasn't to that | | | | doing any planning) In my opinion, the estrangement |
| stage, as I kept blaming myself. Not until I started to | | | | didn't occur because she blew up about the |
| understand that my parent was the flawed one did I | | | | wedding-- the estrangement occurred because of: |
| start seeing the light and coming to terms with the | | | | - a complete loss of trust originating from her |
| relationship. | | | | campaign of denigration (horrible criticisms, lies, |
| 2. Communicate: I tried communicating my desire for | | | | exaggerations, and manipulations) against me |
| an unconditional and loving relationship with my parent | | | | (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting her |
| and expressed how I felt when I left from a visit-- | | | | Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and |
| dejected, empty, and sad. The result? My parent | | | | - how she distorted and manipulated the facts of |
| became more critical, more judgmental, and more | | | | what happened. |
| dysfunctional. | | | | If she simply had blown-up about the wedding and |
| Alice Miller encourages grown children to express | | | | then let things cool down to where we could move |
| anger and pain to their parents, not to punish or | | | | on, the estrangement may not have happened AT |
| change, but to develop an authentic relationship. | | | | THAT POINT. Now don't get me wrong-- the |
| When you say no more, the word "no" is | | | | estrangement would have happened as it's happened |
| a word that never should be negotiated because the | | | | about every 5 years. SOMETHING would have set |
| parent who chooses not to hear it is trying to control | | | | off her fuse and caused a blow up to which she |
| you. Declining to hear "no" is a signal that | | | | would over-react. |
| someone is either seeking to control or refusing to | | | | And therein lies the root of the Borderline's tragic |
| relinquish control. | | | | personality-- what drives the Borderline's personality is |
| So, if you opt to communicate your displeasure with | | | | their real or imagined fear of rejection and / or |
| your mistreatment, be firm with your stance and | | | | abandonment. Clearly her cycles of depression, manic, |
| consistent with your reactions. Be honest and relate | | | | and psychotic phases of BPD are evident through her |
| that the criticisms really hurt. Being honest like this is | | | | patterns of estranged relationships: myself, her |
| hard but if you want to have a relationship with your | | | | father, her sister, my brother, her husbands (3), |
| parent and not tolerate the abuse, speak your mind | | | | circles of friends discarded. So, with the wedding |
| to try to improve the situation. Further, let the | | | | being an event where she perceived a potential |
| parent know that you no longer want to hear their | | | | abandonment, she flipped the situation to where she |
| criticisms and sharing them with you is no longer an | | | | claims I rejected her... or as she puts it, I 'kicked' her |
| option. And if your parent decides not to accept your | | | | 'out' of the wedding. |
| feelings or your requests, realize that you own your | | | | More specifically, Borderlines have such a fear of |
| feelings and that you have every right to feel the | | | | abandonment that they set-up a situation to be |
| way you do and that every relationship has mutual | | | | rejected. The BPD turns a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, |
| respect. Be proud of yourself for standing up for | | | | seemingly out-of-the blue, around the time that they |
| yourself. | | | | feel threatened by rejection or abandonment. Along |
| 3. Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries was the next | | | | with a huge blow-up that is irrational and not based |
| step. When I was a teenager, keeping involved in | | | | on reality, the BPD starts a campaign of denigration |
| school activities and functions kept me from being at | | | | to turn friends and family against her target of rage |
| home and the recipient of the mistreatment. Once I | | | | (me in this case). |
| was out on my own, I physically separated myself | | | | Despite how nonsensical this sounds to you the |
| from my parents. For example, if you live next-door | | | | reader, this behavior is part and parcel of the BPD |
| to your parents, consider moving to the other side | | | | personality. The BPD is essentially beating the target |
| of town. If you live in your parent's house, consider | | | | of rage (me) to the punch by starting a situation that |
| renting an apartment or buying your own home. | | | | ultimately must end in an estrangement, and in the |
| I also limited calls and visits. For example, if your | | | | process attempts to gather the target of rage's |
| mother asks you to call every day, politely explain | | | | (my) friends and family as allies in order to confirm |
| that you are only able to call once a week. Or, if | | | | that it's not his / her fault. The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde |
| your father demands weekly visits, kindly explain that | | | | transformation accompanied by the campaign of |
| you are only able to visit one weekend a month. | | | | denigration is usually too much for the target of rage |
| Along with limiting calls & visits, I set boundaries | | | | (me) to handle; thus the target of rage (me) |
| on the amount of time my parents spent at my | | | | retreats; therefore, the BPD's fears of abandonment |
| home-- and dropping by unannounced was a big | | | | come to fruition by all fault of his /her own. The |
| no-no. If violations of boundaries occur, let the parent | | | | result is an estrangement with the BPD pleading she |
| know immediately and remind the parent of the | | | | he is the victim. The target of rage (me) who went |
| boundaries. | | | | from being idealized to devalued almost |
| In my case, the boundaries didn't help in regard to | | | | instantaneously, is left stunned and puzzled in regard |
| criticisms. The criticisms coming from my parent only | | | | to the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation. |
| accelerated as time progressed. Even if I only saw | | | | Even in the absence of my wedding, another |
| my parent three times a year, I left every single visit | | | | situation would have certainly presented itself where |
| feeling terrible. My parent would completely crush me | | | | my mother would have flipped her lid, and the |
| with snide or off-hand comments, cutting comments | | | | idealization of me would have instantaneously |
| at opportune times, and make mountains out of mole | | | | changed to devaluation. This pattern has presented |
| hills leaving me completely baffled as to where this | | | | itself in the 80's, 90's, and 2000's where my mother |
| treatment was coming from. | | | | would flip her lid about petty or minuscule things |
| 4. Separate Yourself: Now I was forced to take the | | | | ending with an estrangement. Her disagreement with |
| next step, which was to separate myself-- not a | | | | my wedding wasn't the reason for the |
| permanent estrangement or no-contact situation, but | | | | estrangement-- my mother's reaction to the |
| a time for reflection and review of the relationship. | | | | disagreement that was the reason. Her reaction was |
| During this time, I politely turned-down invitations for | | | | one filled with anger, venom, hatred, manipulations, |
| get-togethers and avoided communications with the | | | | gossip, and lies, which all led to a complete loss of |
| parent. My goal was that through keeping this space | | | | trust. During the Dr. Jekyll times, things were good. |
| between myself and my parent, time may ease | | | | During Mr. Hyde times, estrangements occur. Thus, |
| tensions and make appreciation for the other grow. | | | | the cycle of BPD. |
| My hope was that my parent would be more | | | | My Dad: the always critical parent |
| grateful to see me, softer with approach, and also | | | | In contrast, my Dad is a completely different story. |
| realize errors in the way I was treated. Nope. Maybe | | | | My Dad doesn't cycle through varying behavior, |
| things were a bit brighter upon the first visit after | | | | attitudes, or dispositions. He is always a selfish and a |
| the separation, but the critical treatment quickly | | | | highly critical narcissist, who is getting worse as he is |
| returned and at a greater intensity. | | | | getting older and retired. He loves the blame game |
| The single greatest power adult children have is the | | | | and guilt trips. He enjoys criticizing, nit-picking, and |
| ability to GET AWAY. Simply talking aobut the source | | | | judging. He's a prolific gossip and loves manipulating |
| of danger does not make it go away. Saying, | | | | those around him for his gain. He feels like the world |
| "I won't tolerate being treated this way" | | | | revolves around him, loves being the center of |
| and failing to leave demonstrates lack of conviction | | | | attention, and demands a great deal of praise & |
| and ambivalence. | | | | admiration from others. He takes advantage of those |
| Remember some parents have a need for perfection | | | | around him and lacks empathy. |
| and tend to be judgmental by nature. They see the | | | | Whether not my last straw happened in December |
| flaws, instead of the strengths, and in every human, | | | | 2008 (Holidays Leading to Last Straw), our |
| if you look for flaws, you will find flaws. Such parents | | | | relationship had been on the downswing for years. In |
| are wired to find the glass half empty, instead of half | | | | fact, when my husband & I had left from our |
| full. This has nothing to do with you, or who you are, | | | | Thanksgiving 2008 visit, I knew that I would not |
| or what you are worth as a person. Such people | | | | continue subjecting myself, husband, and now child to |
| rarely, if ever, change. Let go of the belief that if | | | | this toxic, dysfunctional, and very criticizing |
| you tried harder you would suddenly gain their | | | | experience. Since the early 2000's, I have left visits |
| approval. You won't. | | | | with him feeling empty, dejected, and sad. No matter |
| The giver of criticism, rather than the receiver,is | | | | how I set my mind to having a positive experience |
| usually the one who has a problem and needs to | | | | prior to the gathering, it never failed-- I would leave |
| change. | | | | feeling horrible. |
| 5. Estrangement / No-Contact: So after decades of | | | | Conclusion-- How to Handle the Critical Parent |
| trying and progressive steps to try to 'create' a | | | | No two parental situations are exactly the same, so |
| loving and compassionate parent, I decided to stop | | | | what may work in one situation may not be the best |
| trying. First off, you can't change anyone... but | | | | in another. However, doing something to improve |
| YOURSELF. Second, life is too short. Acknowledging | | | | your situation is imperative when dealing with a critical |
| both of these points, I made a conscious effort to | | | | parent. By simply being conscious of the effects of |
| surround myself with loving, approving people. I | | | | criticism, you'll actually begin to negate the effects. |
| broke off all contact with my critical parent and | | | | Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can |
| made sure that my life was filled with people who | | | | actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in |
| see the good in me and who aren't too afraid or too | | | | your life. |
| petty to give me the affirmation and positive | | | | Steps to gain control include: doing nothing, |
| feedback my soul deserves. | | | | communicating your feelings and expectations, setting |
| Sure I wish things were different. I would love to | | | | boundaries, separating yourself from your parent, and |
| have a warm and loving relationship with my parents. | | | | estrangement / no-contact. Steps can be completely |
| Sure I wish I had parents that are accepting and | | | | skipped or passed through quickly depending on the |
| supportive-- but that's not what I was given. And | | | | individual situation. |
| because I recognize and understand where my | | | | Most importantly, let go of the hope that your critical |
| parents are coming from, I chose not to participate. I | | | | parent will ever change. Stop looking for approval |
| chose to be happy. I chose to have love in my life. I | | | | from the parent. Understand why the parent is like |
| chose to have people in my life that see the GOOD | | | | this, but stop looking to them for approval and |
| in others. | | | | support you will probably never get. Having a critical |
| If a person can't see the good in others, he / she is | | | | parent is not your fault, and you can't make this |
| lackingbasic qualities needed for healthy human | | | | critical parent into a kind and approving parent. |
| relationships. | | | | |