| Couples in Domestic Abuse Treatment get hung up | | | | first person so you can feel it in yourself as you read |
| on controlling each other's recovery. They each | | | | these words.) Now stay with me... |
| decide to make their relationship work and then they | | | | You, on the other hand, are feeling antsy about your |
| place their focus on the other's therapeutic process | | | | partner's changing as much as he is about you |
| and progress. | | | | changing. It looks something like this... |
| It looks something like this... | | | | "I need you to stop putting me down, and making |
| "I need you to change yesterday." He wants to | | | | me feel less than I am. I can no longer bear walking |
| control her healing recovery process so she'll get on | | | | on eggshells, so for goodness sake give me stability |
| with loving him affectionately again. And she seeks to | | | | and consistency. Stop telling me how I'm |
| control his rehabilitation recovery process so she can | | | | lacking...inadequate...deficient." |
| feel safe and whole in his presence. | | | | "Instead, I privately and unconsciously yearn for your |
| Can you see how they can lock horns with these | | | | admiration, your respect and your unconditional |
| agendas? Now don't misunderstand me here. I do | | | | regard. Though you have convinced me that I'm not |
| believe both of them have a valid point of interest. | | | | deserving of such, on a primal level, this conditioning |
| But when the other person's change process takes | | | | does not hold true for me. So please get on with it; |
| precedent over your own, no one heals, no one | | | | stop abusing me and start loving me." |
| changes and recovery is not going to happen. | | | | Shifting the Focus to One's Own Growth |
| Change Is an Inside Job; Not an Other-Directed Goal | | | | Now let's imagine for a moment that the other |
| Change is always an inside job no matter whether | | | | person were not part of the change process. Ask |
| you are an abuser or a domestic abuse survivor. "He | | | | yourself what you would need independent of that |
| can want my affectation until he is blue in the face, | | | | person to personally bring harmony to an intimate |
| but he won't get me giving it until it flows freely | | | | relationship. If you can go along this path without |
| from me. And chances are that won't happen until I | | | | present concern for the other person, you will amaze |
| feel loving and I am longing an intimate connection | | | | yourself and so will your partner. The two of you will |
| with him." | | | | marvel over the internal changes you both make and |
| "But this feeling can't be and probably won't happen | | | | bring to the relationship. |
| as long as I feel violated by him." (I'm putting this in | | | | |