| Nearly a decade ago a woman said to me, people | | | | what you have read. |
| won't trust you if/when they know you are a | | | | Untold Truths and Inauthentic Gestures |
| domestic abuse survivor. And I thought, why not? | | | | So for example, let's say I (an abused partner) sense |
| Having moved beyond my own personal ordeal with | | | | you are disturbed, I will reflexively give you want I |
| domestic violence, I'm beginning to understand what | | | | think will alleviate your disturbance... before and |
| she meant. It's hard to trust a domestic abuse | | | | without my having authentic communion |
| survivor, because they will often tell you what they | | | | (communication) with you. That is, before and |
| think you want to hear in order to "elicit" the | | | | without actually inquiring as to your status and my |
| response they are seeking. | | | | perception of your needs. I will give you what I think |
| Ouch! Now I know if you are a domestic violence | | | | will get me what I need-your approval and our peace. |
| survivor, you maybe thinking, the nerve of you Dr. | | | | And in the same way I quickly resort to giving you |
| King. But let's look more closely at this together and | | | | what I think you are wanting, I will expect you to |
| understand why she/he does this. | | | | also give me exactly what I'm longing in the absence |
| Pleasing Others First | | | | of expressing it directly. Ultimately, it becomes |
| Think about it for a moment. If you live in a | | | | evident that we have created a relationship and |
| relationship wherein you walk on eggshells because | | | | interaction pattern based on non-communication. It |
| you don't know what's in store moment to moment, | | | | becomes a relationship of untold truths and |
| you grow to read body language and affect | | | | inauthentic gestures. |
| (emotion) to understand others. | | | | If you are a domestic abuse survivor, go out of your |
| Over time, you become an expert in knowing what's | | | | way to find and reveal your truth and that of those |
| up with other people without them even saying | | | | you interact with. The more you do, the more people |
| anything. Further, not only are you good at reading | | | | will trust your deeds, your words and you. |
| what's up with others, you seek to covertly regulate | | | | |