| Let us imagine a scene. You have invited your friend | | | | contemplate leaving their abusive husbands or |
| Jean over for coffee. When you have served the | | | | partners, as the prospect of leaving fills them with a |
| coffee, you notice that her face is swollen. | | | | sense of deep insecurity. They also hope that |
| 'How did you get that awful bruise on your face?' | | | | matters will improve. They hope that their husbands |
| you ask. | | | | will change. |
| Your friend looks very uneasy. Her body language | | | | One option your friend might be willing to consider |
| spells out deep embarrassment. | | | | would be going to stay for a while in a refuge home |
| 'Oh, I tripped and fell against a door-post' she | | | | for abused women. A short stay there could have |
| stutters. You inspect the bruise and suggest she | | | | some good effects: |
| should visit the surgery to get it treated. But all your | | | | (a) It might bring home with very great impact to |
| advice seems to foster only a growing panic in your | | | | Fred that if he wants to save his marriage then he |
| friend. | | | | must change his behavior. |
| You suspect that it is not just an accidental mishap | | | | (b) It would provide your friend Jean a breathing |
| that has caused the bruise. So you try a gentle | | | | space to find a new job or consider what she really |
| question about her partner Fred: | | | | wants to do. |
| 'Did Fred hit you?' | | | | (c) At the refuge home she would find many others |
| After various evasive replies your friend admits that | | | | in a very similar situation to herself and from their |
| he did. | | | | shared experiences she could gain sympathy, |
| You offer another question: 'How often does this | | | | support, advice, counseling of a very practical kind |
| happen?' | | | | that would enable her to decide upon the next |
| You find out that it has been happening now over | | | | course of action. |
| quite a long period, whenever they quarrel. | | | | Then if your friend Jean decides that leaving Fred is |
| This is the time to explore various options: | | | | the right course of action, there is the need for |
| Would your friend Jean, and Fred her husband, agree | | | | devising a practical plan. Some women can simply |
| to see a marriage counselor? If they are religious | | | | pack and leave, especially if they have money of |
| people, would they agree to go and see their Vicar | | | | their own. |
| or parish priest? | | | | A preliminary question is whether your friend Jean |
| What does Jean know about Fred's early years? | | | | should tell Fred that she simply cannot put up any |
| Was he abused when he was a child? Often abused | | | | more with his violence and will leave. That option |
| children become abusers themselves when they | | | | might provoke Fred to renewed violence, or at least |
| become adults, as if they are trying to compensate | | | | a storm of verbal abuse that would be very |
| for the scars that still hurt. | | | | upsetting for both of them. If this seems to be highly |
| If counseling is not an option, because Fred | | | | probable, then Jean ought to leave Fred when he is |
| adamantly refuses to have other people prying into | | | | away from home. |
| his private affairs, then it may be that Jean should | | | | If your friend Jean has a job, then it is important for |
| consider a separation. No woman should have to put | | | | her to tell her colleagues and staff at her place of |
| up with physical abuse from her partner. | | | | work that if her husband calls and demands to see |
| Of course, there are very important issues here. | | | | her, his requests should be refused as she does not |
| Does your friend have children? Is she financially | | | | want to see him. |
| utterly dependent upon her husband? Is she capable | | | | It is important that if Jean decides to leave Fred that |
| of getting a job and looking after herself? It is a sad | | | | she should not disclose where she is going. |
| fact that many abused women are unwilling to | | | | |