| It was 1954 and it seemed to me that everyone | | | | settle in, Mother would open her eyes wide, set her |
| was talking about building bomb shelters. Rock and | | | | mouth with a pleasant professional half-smile, and lift |
| Roll was causing quite a stir, and old "I LIKE IKE" | | | | her chin even higher to suggest the utmost in |
| buttons were still hanging on Mama and Daddy's | | | | classical decorum. That's when it would happen. |
| dresser. New Mexico was a Democratic State and | | | | Janine and I, able to see each other peripherally, |
| Daddy was one of the few Republicans who | | | | would fall helplessly into giggling, which would earn |
| admitted they were Republicans. | | | | each of us an immediate painful pinch behind the |
| This was Daddy's second year at this church, and | | | | pulpit where no one could see. Mother's pinches were |
| already there was talk of building a new sanctuary | | | | always painful enough to modify our behavior, and |
| with lots of classrooms. Mama had outdone herself in | | | | once we composed ourselves, the show would go |
| this full-time ministry. The people appreciated her | | | | on. |
| musical abilities as well as her ability to get things | | | | Once we were safely seated in our middle pew, |
| done. There were duets, trios, quartets, | | | | however, the scenario would be replayed during |
| all-girl-sextets, instrumental groups, and any other | | | | Daddy's sermon as I whispered, giggled, imitated |
| type of special music one could imagine. The church | | | | Mother, and ignored her incessant coughing from the |
| members felt Mama was "doing them proud," and | | | | back pew. |
| she loved all the attention she was getting. | | | | I think the church members must have thought |
| Janine and I usually seemed to be in trouble for | | | | Mother had tuberculosis. |
| giggling in church and Mama always sat on the back | | | | I'm sure no one knew how important laughter was |
| pew during Daddy's sermons. From that vantage | | | | to me. With all of the inconsistencies between my |
| point she could scrutinize not only our behavior, but | | | | "perfectly happy" public life and my abusive home life, |
| also the behavior of the entire congregation. She | | | | I took every opportunity to act out in a public |
| noticed who slept during the sermon, who seemed | | | | setting. I knew her Patrician upbringing, and her need |
| to be under conviction, who wasn't in church that | | | | for the appearance of perfection would ensure my |
| day, and other helpful information which would | | | | safety in church; however, it was as though I was |
| always be given to Daddy over Sunday Dinner. | | | | always sitting on the jagged edge of the pew - |
| Mother coughed when we giggled or whispered, | | | | waiting for the inevitable consequences of being bad. |
| coughed when Daddy's sermon was running | | | | The tension was so great inside me, I had to either |
| over-time, and coughed when Daddy made another | | | | laugh or go completely insane. |
| grammatical error. Her coughing gave us ample | | | | In the summer before the fourth grade, I finally got |
| material to fuel the laughter, especially after she | | | | a friend. We met at church and something just |
| recruited us into her trio. Mother thought of it as job | | | | clicked between us. Her name was Patricia Sue Taft, |
| security to show the congregation how talented the | | | | and she was eight months older than I, so she was |
| pastor's family was. | | | | going into the fifth grade. Patty had long red hair, big |
| After the hymns, the announcements, the offertory, | | | | jade-green eyes, and a body I wished was mine. |
| and the Doxology, Janine and I knew it was | | | | Mama wasn't too crazy about my new friend from |
| ShowTime for us. It was called "special music," of | | | | the start. Her father was a new convert who used |
| course, and wasn't supposed to show any similarity | | | | to drink, her mother was in a mental institution, and |
| to show business, but it always seemed like show biz | | | | Patty had the nerve to wear short-shorts and go to |
| to me. Janine and I would watch Mother rise from | | | | movies. |
| her piano bench, and, like Leonard Bernstein posturing | | | | Patty taught me to love horseback riding and |
| before the New York Philharmonic, she'd walk, music | | | | mountain climbing. Together, we read every Nancy |
| in hand, to center stage. My sister and I would | | | | Drew book published, waited for the Library Van on |
| obediently follow from the choir loft. | | | | Saturday, and built our own happy reality through |
| Janine and I would watch in humorous amazement as | | | | books. |
| Mother's demeanor and posture metamorphosed into | | | | The best thing about Patty was that she never |
| that of an opera singer: squared shoulders, tucked | | | | laughed at me like the other kids did, for getting into |
| pelvis, her ample chest pushed forward, hands held | | | | trouble or being fat. She encouraged me constantly, |
| together in front, and chin up. Janine, who sang alto, | | | | telling me she'd trade her body for my beautiful face |
| would stand on Mother's left. I, who sang the tenor | | | | any day of the week. She knew what it was to live |
| part an octave higher than it was written, would | | | | with pain at home, and she just accepted me as I |
| stand on Mother's right. We knew to wait for Mother | | | | was, period. I, in turn, gave her the courage to be |
| to pull herself up to her full 5'9" height, take a deep | | | | more daring: to reach beyond her grasp. She went |
| breath, and give a cursory glance over the | | | | along with most of my schemes, and we had too |
| congregation. | | | | much fun to think about our problems. She was a gift |
| Then, as she would look left to cue the substitute | | | | from God: a friend born for such a horrifying time as |
| pianist, Janine's eyes and mine would meet, but | | | | was coming. |
| quickly look away lest we fall into laughter. A hush | | | | [This is an excerpt from God's Battered Child: |
| would fall over the congregation and after pausing | | | | Journey from Abuse to Leader, available at and at all |
| just long enough to let the poignancy of the moment | | | | online stores. |