| 1. Sticks and stones won't break my bones" - and | | | | if you were someone he truly dislikes. |
| words won't leave any measurable physical damage, | | | | You do everything you can to make him happy, but |
| but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. | | | | it's never good enough. You're more like the pet dog |
| Never underestimate the power of words: words are | | | | in the relationship than you are the equal partner. |
| used to brainwash. | | | | Your constant efforts to get his attention and please |
| Being told you are "stupid", "ugly", "lazy" or | | | | him meet with limited success. Sometimes he'll be |
| "worthless" is never acceptable. The first times you | | | | charmed, often he's dismissive. |
| hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time you "may get | | | | If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner |
| used to" hearing it from a partner. That's when you | | | | can treat you that way, it is because you are trying |
| start to internalise and believe it. When that happens | | | | to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you |
| you are doing the other person's work of putting you | | | | are living in a control-based relationship. The mental |
| down for them. This is why your feelings of | | | | abuser struggles with his own feelings of |
| self-worth suffer increasingly over time. | | | | worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a |
| The good news is that just as words have been | | | | feeling of personal power, at his partner's expense. |
| used to bring you down, you can learn to harness | | | | 6. You feel as if you are constantly walking on |
| the power of words to build you up and restore your | | | | eggshells. There is a real degree of fear in the |
| confidence and belief in yourself. | | | | relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, |
| 2. You are always told that it's your fault. Somehow, | | | | the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. |
| whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate | | | | (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill |
| blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking | | | | over into your other relationships also.) |
| ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always | | | | Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital |
| tell you that their behaviour was caused by what you | | | | part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the |
| said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines | | | | abuser to maintain control over you. |
| that you can't possibly blame them for anything, | | | | 7. You can heal. Mentally abusive relationships cause |
| because if you hadn't said what you said, or done | | | | enormous emotional damage to the loving partner |
| what you did it would never have happened. | | | | who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship |
| 3. You're more inclined to believe your partner than | | | | together and, ultimately, can't do it, because her |
| you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled | | | | partner is working against her. |
| with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with | | | | Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive |
| anger at the way you've been treated? Have you | | | | relationship, have left one recently, or years later are |
| found yourself asking: "Is it reasonable to feel like | | | | still struggling with the anxieties and low self-worth |
| this?" "Am I misinterpreting things?" "Have I got it | | | | and lack of confidence caused by mental abuse, it is |
| wrong?" | | | | never too late to heal. |
| If this is you, what it means is that you have | | | | But you do need to work with a person or a |
| become so brainwashed you've stopped trusting in | | | | programme specifically geared to mental abuse |
| your own judgement. Your mind keeps throwing up | | | | recovery. |
| the observations and questions because, deep down, | | | | Women who have suffered mental abuse expect |
| you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. | | | | radical change of themselves, and they expect it |
| But right now you can't feel the strength of your | | | | right away. This is why they often struggle and, not |
| own convictions. | | | | uncommonly, take up with another abusive partner. |
| 4. You need your partner to acknowledge your | | | | Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low |
| feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your | | | | self-worth and limiting beliefs about what kind of |
| partner hear what you are saying and apologise for | | | | future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the |
| the hurtful things they've said? Have you ever felt | | | | blocks that can stop women from moving on. But |
| that only they can heal the pain they've caused? | | | | they are blocks that you can clear very effectively. |
| Does your need for them to validate your feelings | | | | Just as language was once used to harm you, you |
| keep you hooked into the relationship? | | | | can now learn how language can heal you. You can |
| When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen | | | | overcome past mental abuse and keep yourself safe |
| to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse. | | | | from it in the future. You can also learn to feel |
| 5. Your partner blows hot and cold. He can be very | | | | strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the |
| loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell | | | | relationships you truly want. |
| you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care | | | | "The Woman You Want To Be" is a unique |
| or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the | | | | workbook designed to accompany you on a year |
| time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as | | | | long journey into emotional health and happiness. |