| "The difference between cold comfort and shame"... | | | | on an almost daily basis. I did some research and |
| that phrase ran through my head for years after | | | | found it a great eye-opener reading about 'Stockholm |
| hearing Pink Floyd's song 'Wish You Were Here' a | | | | Syndrome', where hostages begin to sympathize with |
| long time ago. It helped me to clarify how, in order | | | | and may actually come to believe that they love their |
| to survive an abusive relationship we may subvert | | | | captors in order to survive. It really helps to |
| our own feelings and desires and try to imagine that | | | | understand why, as a survival technique, many |
| crumbs of normalcy are actually special, large helpings | | | | battered spouses behave as they do even after the |
| of love. After the divorce I talked to other women | | | | situation has become dangerous and possibly life |
| and realized there is a huge sorority of sad women | | | | threatening. |
| and an equally large fraternity of controlling men in | | | | Counseling was a phenomenal help! I highly |
| our society. | | | | recommend it. Look for sources like family counseling, |
| The trouble is, with our society's general views of | | | | local women's shelters, and court-appointed |
| not getting involved in domestic disputes, most of | | | | therapists, etc. I was in group therapy with other |
| these women think they are unique in their situations | | | | women and personally feel the interaction was |
| and, as a result, often feel a great (and unnecessary) | | | | wonderful for all of us. Therapy moved us past the |
| sense of guilt and shame. That is a big part of the | | | | blame games and pity parties and provided a |
| problem and where the phrase 'Silence protects | | | | constructive framework to on which to rebuild our |
| Violence' comes from. If someone is held a prisoner, | | | | confidence and sense of self-worth. |
| their captor sure doesn't want them to have contact | | | | It is vitally important for any of us who have gotten |
| with any outside sources. For years my husband said | | | | out of an abusive relationship as well as anyone who |
| that he didn't want me to have a job because, if I | | | | knows of someone in such a relationship to do our |
| did, I might leave him. Of course, he also always said | | | | best to help by lending a sympathetic ear, providing |
| that he was just kidding. That went along with his | | | | information and helpful contacts, and generally shining |
| favorite saying of, "If you're not in control of the | | | | a hopeful light into the sorrowful shadows of |
| situation, someone else is," which he drummed into us | | | | Domestic Violence and Abuse. |