| Finding the right person to marry is a complex and | | | | due to a depressive disorder) |
| difficult task. Our early relationships with our | | | | Chronic sarcasm (anger disguised) |
| caregivers often shape who we are attracted to and | | | | Excessive neediness (this can be attractive to |
| what type of person we find comfortable to be | | | | women who like a fixer upper) |
| around. | | | | Disparaging humor (putting others down in a |
| I have seen many individuals in my practice who have | | | | subtle way, also anger disguised) |
| ended up in life-draining relationships. In most of the | | | | Punitive mindset (feels people deserve the bad |
| cases, they saw the problems well beforehand, but | | | | things that happen to them) |
| tolerated them for some reason or another. In my | | | | Controlling nature (needs to micromanage your |
| experience, the two most common reasons for | | | | affairs) |
| ignoring warning signs were: | | | | Pervasive insecurity (needs you to reassure them |
| 1. Having the belief that the person could change | | | | constantly, can take the form of needing you to |
| (perhaps if they are loved enough). | | | | agree with them, do what they say, etc.) |
| 2. Although they may loath the person's behavior, | | | | Extremely opinionated (a disguised form of |
| they can't break away from the cycle of connecting | | | | someone who is judgmental and maybe critical) |
| with someone who behaves in a similar way as a | | | | Manipulator (may use guilt to get you to do |
| hurtful parent because they are used to this kind of | | | | things, doesn't take no for an answer tries to get |
| behavior or they want to conquer the early injury by | | | | you to change your mind, makes you feel bad about |
| replaying the relationship dynamic in an adult | | | | things and see them as the victim) |
| relationship. | | | | Predominate self-centeredness (take more than |
| Since we all have faults, how can we tell when we | | | | they give, things are always about them, These |
| need to accept basic flaws and when we are | | | | people have a hard time putting others first) |
| overlooking serious issues? | | | | Need to be on the offense (has a world view |
| People do grow and change as they mature, so it is | | | | that people will always try to stick it to you or get |
| not completely unreasonable to think someone can | | | | over somehow unless you get yours first) |
| change behavior. However there are some behaviors | | | | If you grew up around someone who did some of |
| attitudes that don't change much as they are part of | | | | these things, you may find yourself being attracted |
| the person's personality. I have compiled a short list | | | | to similar people even though you don't like their |
| of some behaviors that I believe should be | | | | behavior. Even objectionable behavior can feel familiar |
| considered red flags NOT to ignore or think they will | | | | and comfortable at some level. |
| go away with time. Notice most of the descriptors | | | | Of course, there are other factors that influence |
| have "chronic" or "pervasive" which is to emphasize | | | | how we choose our friends and significant others, |
| the point that these are behaviors/attitudes that | | | | but these are just a few ideas for you to consider |
| persist over time. | | | | to have a healthy relationship and prevent having an |
| Chronic anger (blow ups, irritability, moodiness, not | | | | unproductive and/or hurtful relationship. |