| Is your spouse violent, abusive, harassing? In cases | | | | but whether or not that is true, their conduct is also |
| of harassment or violence there are legal remedies | | | | based on years of frustrating and dangerous |
| and there are practical things you can and must do | | | | experience. Police are much more likely to get hurt |
| for yourself. This is not about reaching | | | | and less likely to do any real good in domestic |
| agreement--these are strategies for self-defense. | | | | disputes than in any other kind of case. |
| Mental and physical abuse must never be tolerated. | | | | This difficult issue has received a great deal of public |
| Restraining orders. The legal remedy for domestic | | | | attention, so police agencies now tend to have |
| harassment and violence is a restraining order--an | | | | standards for dealing with domestic violence. Some |
| order from the court, served personally on your | | | | departments have officers specially trained in family |
| spouse, forbidding certain conduct. Restraining orders | | | | crisis intervention. |
| are available as part of a divorce action. | | | | Ask responding officers if they can refer you to |
| If you, your children or anyone in your household has | | | | available spouse abuse shelters, support groups or |
| been physically abused or threatened with harm, you | | | | relevant community services agencies. Call your local |
| can have the abuser ordered to move out and stay | | | | police, talk to them about your problem and see |
| away from the family residence. Child visitation can | | | | what their attitude is and in what way they are willing |
| be ordered for specific times and places, away from | | | | to help. Start a record in their files. |
| your home and, if necessary, under supervision. It | | | | Self-help. The best help is the kind you give yourself. |
| takes very clear proof of danger or harm to the child | | | | The only thing you can control in life is your own |
| to forbid visitation altogether. | | | | attitude, actions and reactions, so start there. What |
| In extreme cases, most states permit emergency | | | | part do you play in the cycle that leads to abuse? |
| orders to be issued ex parte--without notice to or | | | | Try to avoid the things that set your spouse off. |
| participation of your spouse. These orders are binding | | | | This does not mean to give up and roll over, but it |
| until a hearing can be held and more orders issued | | | | does mean learning to express yourself cleanly and |
| after both sides have had a chance to tell their side. | | | | not to provoke. In most disturbed relationships, there |
| Here's the good news: more than 85 percent of all | | | | is some pattern of action and reaction that builds to |
| restraining orders are adhered to. Being served with | | | | an eruption. Try to understand your part and stop |
| orders from a court seems to have a good effect | | | | the cycle. |
| on most abusers, and, more to the point, they now | | | | Don't be a victim. Spouse abuse is a very common |
| know that you are serious about not being a victim. | | | | problem, so you are not unique or alone. Nearly every |
| Think about it this way: | | | | community has professionals, agencies, and support |
| - Is your spouse the kind of person who will respect | | | | groups that have a great deal of experience and |
| a court order? | | | | special knowledge about domestic conflict. This is |
| - Will he or she care about the police coming out or | | | | your most important source of help and support. Get |
| being dragged into court and lectured by a judge? | | | | in touch with them. To find a local support group, ask |
| - Does your spouse have a reputation, money or | | | | a minister, call the police department or a social |
| property to protect? | | | | services agency. If one group or counselor isn't what |
| - Or will your spouse, in the heat of rage, ignore the | | | | you want, try another. |
| threat or reality of official sanctions? | | | | There are many practical steps you can take. Maybe |
| When you go for restraining orders as part of your | | | | you can get help from friends and family, possibly |
| divorce action, you can also request temporary | | | | have someone move in with you for a while, or get |
| orders for support, custody, and visitation that will | | | | a roommate. In general, abuse is drastically reduced |
| set the terms of your separation until a full-scale trial | | | | when other people are around. One obvious practical |
| is held or a settlement reached. Temporary orders | | | | solution is to move away, either for good or at least |
| can be very useful if you need them to stabilize your | | | | until things cool down. Or change all the locks, bar the |
| case or get support coming in. | | | | windows and get an unlisted phone number. Or get a |
| Police. If you get a restraining order, be sure to file it | | | | big dog. Or take self-defense classes. If necessary, |
| with your local police. This can put them under extra | | | | hide--it may be better than being someone's easy |
| pressure to protect you. But even if you do not | | | | target. The main thing is this: do whatever you must |
| have court orders, call the police if you are the victim | | | | to create your own peace and safety; do not |
| of domestic harassment or violence, and keep calling | | | | depend solely on police or court orders to solve your |
| them. At the very least, you will be building a case | | | | problem. |
| and developing evidence. | | | | This article is an excerpt from the award-winning |
| Police may be an unreliable source of help in domestic | | | | book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce |
| situations, although this will vary from place to place. | | | | Better. You can order the book from Nolo Press |
| They have been accused of prejudice and sexism, | | | | Occidental or by calling (800) 464-5502. |