Subtle Signs of Domestic Abuse - When Innuendo is As Fierce As a Fist

Oftentimes the signs of domestic abuse confuse us.For example, he may say, "Dear, you are slow to
We think of it as the obvious and fail toheal and slow to forgive. If only you'd let go of your
acknowledge the subtle, unless we are on thehurt, we could start fresh and create the relationship
receiving end.of our dreams."
For example, I hear couples speak about the abuse inWait a second now. Did you just hear and feel that?
their relationships as though they are referring to twoOn the surface, one might say his words are those
separate relationships. And the perception of eachof someone trying to patch things up. However,
person often misses the experience of the other.when standing in her shoes, these are words of
Abuser's Perspectivecondescension. They say, let me help you see how
He sees the "blowup" episodes, which he meeklydeficient you are, my dear.
refers to as the "incidents."...And he wonders whySo when she takes in this subtle little message as her
she can't just forgive and forget.daily bread, she does not see the last "blowup" as
From his perspective, months have passed and hehaving happened months ago. No, for her, it is an
can't (so he says) understand why she's still fearfulongoing message that she is less than, lacking in, not
of him. "For crying out loud," he declares, "I haven'tenough of... Simply stated, she is not valued as is.
laid my hands on her in over half a year and she stillIf you are a domestic abuse survivor and you find
withholds intimacy."yourself locking horns with your partner over when
Domestic Abuse Survivor's Perspectiveand how you should have healed, stop and notice
She, on the other hand, is aware of her feelings ofhow you feel. You and your partner are masking in
oppression and being trampled upon by his innuendothe makeup game, but continue to enact the
day-to-day. It can come in the form of a look, adynamics of domestic abuse.
gesture or some "innocent" words.