| Bonding and attachment are terms that are often | | | | child feels that his/her pace to test out the world is |
| used interchangeably. Bonding is the basic link of trust | | | | being honored, the child will feel safer in the world. On |
| and heart between infant and parents, usually with | | | | the other hand, if a parent feels frustrated or |
| the mother first. Bonding and attachment are | | | | rejecting the child will have a difficult time feeling safe |
| cornerstones of human development and essential to | | | | enough to be separate and safe in the world. This |
| a child's growth and functioning. At conception, | | | | might lead in adulthood to the person's being |
| fetuses inherit and absorb both the mother's and | | | | frightened of crowds, parties, social situations, and in |
| father's emotional, physical and energetic DNA. They | | | | extreme cases, to agoraphobia. |
| are like little sponges, absorbing positive and negative | | | | As adults, these individuals will likely be more stuck in |
| energies equally. They internalize whatever energies | | | | life and have a hard time moving forward because |
| feelings the parents are experiencing. | | | | they didn't get the bonding, support and |
| For example: If one or both parents lived during the | | | | encouragement to feel safe and explore life. They |
| Depression Era, the fetus would carry the energetic | | | | are unable to reach directly from their needs and |
| feelings and beliefs of deprivation and fear of | | | | express needs through whining and complaining thus |
| poverty in their bodies. Later, the child is then | | | | developing a victim mentality. |
| predisposed to this same energy of deprivation and | | | | A child that is mocked, inflicted with guilt or whose |
| will likely project the parents' beliefs onto the world. | | | | boundaries are not respected will feel unsafe to |
| The task of every child (starting at conception) is to | | | | explore the world. The child senses that he/she can't |
| bond. Babies bond by absorbing the energy of the | | | | rely on his/her parents to be available and spite |
| world and everyone around them, especially of their | | | | develops and an endless underground "no" forms. |
| mothers and fathers. | | | | This creates a self-defeating pattern in adulthood due |
| Recent studies done at the University of Minnesota, | | | | to the inability to say yes to life. Saying no is their |
| by Megan Gunner (Child Development, 75, 497-504, | | | | only form of power. |
| 2004) show that under stress, high levels of a the | | | | Based on the kind of bonding we received as |
| hormone cortisol are produced. This increases heart | | | | children, we all have varying degrees of healthy |
| rate, causes digestive problems, and decreases the | | | | attachment. Therefore we all fall somewhere on the |
| ability to think. However, the study also showed that | | | | continuum that runs from "well attached" to "poorly |
| the presence of a loving caregiver during the time of | | | | attached." Below are some of the signs that indicate |
| stress reduced the level of cortisol. Although the child | | | | whether or not a child has successfully bonded and |
| still experienced upset, there was a reduction in the | | | | attached: |
| levels of cortisol in the body. This shows that a | | | | A well-attached child generally: |
| loving, consistent relationship can offset even the | | | | -Is affectionate |
| most stressful situation. Without that kind of | | | | -Is caring |
| relationship, growth is stunted -- mentally, emotionally, | | | | -Is helpful |
| and physically. | | | | -Feels bad after doing something wrong |
| Children need good bonding in order to move through | | | | -Has positive interactions |
| the world and accomplish developmental tasks such | | | | -is willing to exert effort to accomplish things |
| as walking, climbing, age-appropriate separation, using | | | | -Takes responsibility |
| the toilet, and reaching for their needs in the world. | | | | -Is developmentally on target in its emotional life |
| Children who have had good bonding are able to | | | | Some symptoms of poor attachment that you may |
| handle the successes and failures of these various | | | | see in children: |
| tasks. They have the spirit to get up after falling | | | | -Manipulative behavior |
| down or failing and trying again. They develop | | | | -Controlling behavior |
| positive core beliefs about their worth. They believe | | | | -Defiant behavior |
| they are strong, competent, secure and safe. | | | | -Poor eye contact |
| The kind of bonding we receive determines how we | | | | -Rage filled behavior |
| perceive the world, ourselves, and how we interact | | | | -Is not affectionate |
| with others. The quality of bonding is extremely | | | | Asks incessant questions |
| important in many different ways, such as: building | | | | -Acts incapable |
| and maintaining trust, developing relationships with | | | | -Lies and/or steals |
| others, intellectual achievement, brain language | | | | -Is mean to animals |
| development, development of the nervous system, | | | | -Has interested in blood and gore |
| regulating feeling, identity and self-esteem. Good | | | | Children who have been traumatized develop |
| bonding results in feeling strong connection to self, | | | | behaviors signifying that they feel unsafe, unworthy |
| body, spirit, safety, and a right to live and take risks. | | | | or unlovable. They have difficulty with developmental |
| However, if an infant doesn't receive good bonding | | | | tasks; they become over- stimulated, and have |
| and his/her arrival encounters anger, disappointment, | | | | difficulty soothing themselves. Because children have |
| chaos, abandonment or other forms of rejection, h | | | | little control over their environment, they have |
| she will not feel secure about him/herself and his/her | | | | difficulty handling stress, and their struggle is usually |
| existence. | | | | communicated through symptoms. |
| Lack of good bonding and trauma during childhood | | | | It would be wonderful if we received all the positive |
| can create various psychological reactions. Not only | | | | bonding we needed. The truth is that as infants we |
| during childhood but also throughout life. The child | | | | absorbed the totality of our parent's emotions and |
| may begin to exhibit signs of distress and agitation or | | | | energies. Given that our parents were simply human, |
| the child could appear depressed. There can be a | | | | we carry a certain amount of trauma that has |
| reduced feeling of the right to exist when this occurs. | | | | created some level of attachment difficulties that we |
| As an adult, we might compensate for feelings of | | | | need to heal. As parents we carry the negative |
| low self-esteem (given that we never received the | | | | impact of the environmental trauma and our own |
| positive bonding and attention we needed, or that | | | | childhood trauma. As parents we need not be |
| we received negativity) we will potentially become | | | | perfect. Our love is expressed every time we take |
| narcissistic (the focus has to be on us) and develop | | | | responsibility for our own negativity. Given that all |
| feelings of endless anger and a lack of compassion | | | | parents were children, we are providing examples of |
| for others. These traits impact relationships and | | | | both adult and childhood injury. For those of you who |
| create intimacy issues. | | | | are parents we invite you to begin your own process |
| If the parent meets the child with violence, rejection, | | | | of awareness around your origins of bonding and |
| abandonment, or doesn't respond to the child's | | | | attachment. |
| needs, the ability to trust the relationship will be | | | | Overly intense reactions toward your children, or any |
| damaged. This is a form of trauma, and is | | | | person, hold clues to your own development of |
| experienced as such. If the child reaches out and no | | | | bonding and attachment in your childhood. We simply |
| one consistently responds to the reaching, a feeling | | | | cannot give what we didn't get. Your unavailability to |
| of hopelessness will take over. This can result in | | | | your children's feelings and reactions is an indicator of |
| collapse, depression and despair. The child may | | | | your own history as a child of not having a parent |
| compensate for not having his/her needs met by | | | | available for your own feelings and reactions. Once |
| pretending to be excessively independent. Later, as | | | | aware of this you can begin to have more |
| an adult, this individual projects, and lives, the feeling | | | | compassion and understanding for your own process |
| of "no one cares" as if it were true of everyone. | | | | of reactions and emotions. This will allow a greater |
| Again, this projection has an impact on all | | | | level of compassion and understanding for your |
| relationships. | | | | children's daily process and the process of the people |
| Stranger anxiety is a natural stage of development in | | | | in the world. |
| children. The good bonding from a parent at this | | | | The great thing about bonding and attachment is that |
| stage offers gentle encouragement and reassurance | | | | you get a million chances a day to meet the needs |
| that it's okay to trust others. This encouragement | | | | of your child, yourself and those around. You don't |
| needs to be balanced with an understanding that the | | | | have to be perfect and you don't have to do it |
| child's need to feel safe is of utmost importance. If a | | | | every time, just more often than not! |