| A visit to the office of a voluntary organization | | | | understand his spouse but jumps into conclusions by |
| providing succour to women, victims of domestic | | | | misinterpreting his or her behaviour or perspective |
| violence, led to a memorable experience. A lady with | | | | which could be clarified through asking questions and |
| her infant children walked into the waiting room, sat | | | | listening to each other. This could easily be addressed |
| down quietly without a word as if in a daze. The | | | | through discussion without getting worked up. It is |
| children clinging to her in a way that suggested they | | | | vital to understand the other person's viewpoint |
| were horrified. She bore the tell tale of physical | | | | which is not achieved by being defensive, trying to |
| abuse. It was evident that she had just been | | | | retaliate, justifying or rationalizing but by paying |
| assaulted bearing injuries and blood shot eyes. In the | | | | attention to each other. |
| melee, she had decided to seek refuge. | | | | Mind reading is a major problem when we assume |
| In consideration of what could be done to help adults | | | | we know the other partner's thoughts and feelings. |
| and children in such difficult situations, I felt it was | | | | When people are sure they know what is going on in |
| pertinent to provide legal protection to these victims | | | | the mind of the other person leading to faulty and |
| of family violence. The law against domestic violence | | | | negative interpretations of their actions. A partner |
| in Lagos State comes into focus. It has seemingly | | | | should not assume his spouse knows or should know |
| far- reaching legal remedies for victims of abuse. The | | | | what he wants but should learn to communicate this |
| law is predicated on the issuance of protective | | | | to him or her. Asking questions and taking pains to |
| orders to protect the victims. Happily, the issue of | | | | listen can help manage the differences and sort |
| non-interference by the police in civil cases when it | | | | things out. This is positive and productive as it |
| involves family violence is a thing of the past. It has | | | | contributes to building a respectful relationship. A |
| obliterated the hitherto general principle of police | | | | person can be pro-active by expressing his feelings |
| practice not to intervene in domestic disputes except | | | | and communicate his needs clearly, saying what is |
| in cases where physical injury of a serious nature had | | | | on his mind in a way that is clear and assertive |
| been inflicted because the police appeared to regard | | | | without being aggressive or putting the other person |
| domestic violence as a crime in only the most serious | | | | down. We can be in control of our emotions, get in |
| cases. | | | | touch with our own feelings, thoughts and |
| The law empowers police officers to arrest without | | | | expectations and be able to communicate them to |
| a warrant of arrest any person suspected to have | | | | the other person calmly. The other person can |
| committed an offence containing an element of | | | | respond with care and without being defensive. |
| domestic violence. There is a corresponding warrant | | | | Making character attacks can be avoided. There is |
| of arrest with the protection order to arrest a | | | | the need to learn to always separate the person |
| respondent in case of a breach of the court order to | | | | from the problem and deal with the problem |
| protect the complainant where he/she has suffered | | | | constructively.Some people sometimes take a |
| or may suffer imminent harm as a result of the | | | | negative behaviour of a partner and blow it up into a |
| breach. Moreover, it has a provision for a compulsory | | | | personality flaw. We need to continue to respect the |
| period of counselling granted by the court to any | | | | person even if we do not approve of their behaviour. |
| person deemed fit for such service in respect of the | | | | Bossing, name calling, hitting, threats are all |
| matter. However, the publicity of this law will create | | | | counter-productive and damaging to a relationship. |
| needed awareness and its enforcement will go a long | | | | The appreciation of our differences, being respectful |
| way to justify its enactment. | | | | and mobilizing positive feelings is vital and a great |
| There is the need to consider circumstances leading | | | | advantage to our domestic relationships. |
| up to violence in families or that could make a man | | | | There is the common culprit of over-generalizing |
| exhibit negative emotions or outbursts leading to | | | | which stems from a position that you feel you are |
| spousal violence and molestation. While not as | | | | right and that there is a right way to look at things |
| prevalent as men battering women, there are | | | | and a wrong way and that your way of seeing |
| women aggressors as well who abuse, molest or | | | | things is the right one. We can arrive at decisions by |
| harass their husbands. | | | | exploring different views and options through |
| There is no gainsaying that all relationships have their | | | | discussion which would not demand that your partner |
| ups and downs but there are some behaviours that | | | | see things your way because you may discover that |
| are counter-productive in intimate domestic | | | | both points of view are valid. |
| relationships such as anger, retaliation, unforgiveness | | | | Being defensive, blaming the other person in order to |
| and generally over-reacting. A simple matter which | | | | win an argument, blaming your actions and situations |
| could have been handled in a constructive manner | | | | on the other partner can lead to resentment. |
| with empathy and effective listening in an | | | | Constantly criticizing your partner, shutting down |
| atmosphere of mutual respect, is allowed to fester | | | | during arguments or refusing to talk or listen when |
| and escalate. In such situations, a partner | | | | one partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the |
| inadvertently crosses over from the threshold of | | | | relationship can create long-term problems and build |
| normal marital disagreement to verbal attacks, | | | | up frustrations, resentment and hard feelings which |
| psychological or emotional bullying, intimidation to | | | | can explode and get blurted out in an angry and |
| physical abuse. These leave the other partner with | | | | hurtful way adversely affecting the relationship. |
| deep pains and profound feeling of betrayal of trust | | | | It is productive to embrace dialogue in a calm and |
| by someone presumed to love her. | | | | respectful manner. We can learn to control our |
| An important but mostly overlooked component of | | | | emotions, develop self-calming techniques, clear and |
| domestic violence is the period of passive abuse and | | | | planned pattern of thinking and accept ourselves. We |
| care leading to violence. This period of potential | | | | can discuss with calm voice and calm body language |
| danger is often ignored. Passive abuse is covert, | | | | thereby preventing emotional outbursts. Open |
| subtle and veiled; it includes victimization, neglect and | | | | discussion with a sense of humility can bring people |
| mental abuse. | | | | closer together, help them generate options and |
| When a marriage is allowed to go the way of | | | | solution to their problems that is mutually satisfying. |
| breaking down, it inevitably experiences a great deal | | | | A simple apology can work wonders. Accepting your |
| of tension which may sometimes lead to violence or | | | | own role in a conflict helps to resolve it by admitting |
| threatened violence. This may be as a result of | | | | when you are wrong saying you are sorry and |
| different factors such as long-standing dissatisfaction | | | | meaning it. |
| with the marriage, unemployment, economic | | | | Persons prone to perpetrating violence can change |
| dependence of the woman on the partner, stress, | | | | their behaviour and develop respectful, caring |
| drug or alcohol abuse or when a partner tries to | | | | relationships. They should recognize that they are in |
| control and dominate the other, low self-esteem, | | | | control of their own behaviour, and can chose not to |
| extreme jealousy, feeling inferior to the other partner | | | | be violent. They can recognize those things that wind |
| in education and socio-economic background or | | | | them up, stop and adopt different ways of dealing |
| achievement. | | | | with the difficulties in their personal lives and |
| There is the issue of misunderstanding. There is | | | | relationships. They can learn to manage their anger in |
| nothing unusual about misunderstanding in domestic or | | | | a better non-violent way.They should consider the |
| any relationship. It occurs when there is a lack of | | | | consequences of their actions and the impact of |
| insight into a partner's view or actions this engenders | | | | abuse on the other partner and the children. Violence |
| friction if not properly handled. When a partner | | | | has a devastating effect on children. We can choose |
| does not exercise enough patience or endeavours to | | | | not to be violent or abusive whatever the situation. |