| Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, | | | | another, they don't WANT to understand or work it |
| from radio and TV commentators and presidential | | | | out. |
| candidates, to parents, educators, employers and | | | | Abuse comes from feeling very powerless, from not |
| managers. As Patricia Evans states in "The Verbally | | | | being able to handle fear, loneliness, heartache, and |
| Abusive Relationship", the old adage, "Sticks and | | | | helplessness over others. Abusers want to have |
| stones can break my bones but words will never hurt | | | | control over getting others to do what they want so |
| me," is not at all true. Just as physical abuse is | | | | they don't have to feel their painful feelings. Trying to |
| wounding the to body, verbal abuse is deeply | | | | talk things out is often the last thing they want to |
| wounding to the soul. | | | | do. They just want to win - to have their way. |
| If you grew up in a verbally and/or emotionally | | | | However, there are things you can do to not be a |
| abusive family, you might not realize when you are | | | | victim of verbally abusive behavior. (Physical abuse is |
| being abusive and when you are being abused. | | | | another matter. It is imperative to find a way to |
| Behind verbal and emotional abuse is always about a | | | | leave a relationship that is physically dangerous to |
| desire to control the other person - to have power | | | | you or your children.) |
| over the other's feelings and actions. | | | | Patricia Evans, in the above-mentioned book, states |
| Verbal abuse includes: | | | | that what abusers really want is connection. Because |
| Being Irritable, impatient, and argumentative | | | | they are so disconnected from themselves - from |
| Blaming anger, unpredictable anger, hostility, | | | | their own feelings and from a spiritual source of |
| explosiveness, jealousy | | | | comfort and guidance - they are desperate to |
| Blaming the other for the abuser's behavior | | | | connect with another person. But for them |
| Demanding, ordering | | | | connection is more like ownership, rather than |
| Being critical and judgmental | | | | authentic connection based on mutuality and caring. |
| Verbal abuse is also emotionally abusive, but | | | | When you engage with an abuser through explaining, |
| emotional abuse may not look verbally abusive. Often | | | | defending, trying to understand, or complying, you |
| emotional abuse is more subtle and covert than overt | | | | are giving the abuser what he or she wants - some |
| verbal abuse. | | | | level of connection. It's important to recognize that, |
| Emotional abuse includes: | | | | while you are never causing an abuser to abuse, you |
| Lack of empathy | | | | might be feeding the abuse with your response. |
| Withholding and withdrawing | | | | If you are in a relationship with a verbal/emotional |
| Defining another with seeming kindness: "Honey, | | | | abuser and you are not ready to leave the |
| You're just a bad driver" | | | | relationship, you might want to try NOT connecting |
| Discounting another's feelings and opinions | | | | at ALL with the abuser when there is any level of |
| Being nice to others but not to a partner | | | | abuse. By completely disengaging from any abusive |
| Being competitive | | | | interaction, or at the most saying an incredulous, |
| Acting like the victim | | | | "What?" (which Evans recommends in "Controlling |
| Quick come-backs or joking put-downs | | | | People") and then disengaging by singing a "happy |
| It is vitally important for people at the other end of | | | | song" (a simple song that you sing in your mind to |
| verbal or emotional abuse to understand that you DO | | | | stop thinking about the interaction), you might have a |
| NOT CAUSE AN ABUSER TO BE ABUSIVE, and that | | | | chance of stopping the cycle of abuse. |
| there is no excuse or justification for any form of | | | | The challenge in taking this action in your own behalf |
| abuse. | | | | is to learn to disengage both physically and |
| Once you understand that you do not cause abusers | | | | energetically - which is why singing your happy song |
| to be abusive, perhaps you can also understand that | | | | is so important. Singing moves you out of your |
| there is nothing you can do to have control over | | | | programmed reactive left-brain wounded self and into |
| getting an abuser to see or understand what he or | | | | your spiritually-connected right-brain, energetically |
| she is doing, or how hurtful it is to you, or to | | | | stopping your engagement in the interaction. |
| understand your point of view. There is no way of | | | | While disengaging in this way doesn't guarantee that |
| having a rational discussion because, when someone | | | | your relationship will heal, it may be the only possibility |
| is deeply attached to having power and control over | | | | you have other than leaving. Perhaps it worth a try! |