| The Downward Spiral | | | | The Time Comes to Change Things Up |
| We have followed the trail of the typical emotionally | | | | Now that the victim has finally reached the point |
| or verbally abusive relationship through the initial | | | | where she is desperately miserable, she wants to |
| shock, rationalization, denial, acceptance and, now, | | | | ask for help, yet it feels like a huge risk to tell |
| the arrival at a place of perpetual fear and | | | | anyone what she is going through. Many victims are |
| disillusionment. | | | | frightened by the prospect of divorce, but there |
| It is only a matter of time before the enabler-victim | | | | comes a time when we begin to fantasize about |
| finds herself emotionally alone and physically | | | | what life might be like without the abuser. The victim |
| exhausted. Nothing works. Life is a never-ending | | | | feels compelled to open up to someone. Whom can |
| cycle of heartache and anxiety. Abuse victims may | | | | she trust? How much should she share? What if the |
| suffer from any number of physical manifestations | | | | abuser finds out that she told someone and made |
| that may include depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, | | | | him look bad? |
| insomnia, headaches, stomach ulcers or other | | | | It's terrifying to contemplate opening up after |
| digestive disorders, any of which may result from | | | | keeping the secrets for so long. (It is ideal to find a |
| trying to cope with the stress of living in an abusive | | | | counselor experienced in abuse issues, but most |
| relationship. It is a high physical and emotional price to | | | | victims will take a chance first on a close friend.) She |
| pay. | | | | has an abiding fear that the person she confides in |
| The abuser has an extremely short fuse and is | | | | might not believe her or may tell her that the |
| consistently cruel. He will snap at his wife for the | | | | problems she is experiencing are, in fact, her fault? |
| slightest thing - or nothing - yet, he still expects her | | | | Or that, because he isn't hitting her, she should just |
| to be there to meet his needs. Walking on eggshells | | | | keep on trying? (This is common and simply |
| is now the norm for his wife, and the enabler-victim | | | | demonstrates that many people haven't a clue about |
| is often too tired to even defend herself. She finds it | | | | the very real pain inflicted by verbal and/or emotional |
| puzzling that so many people see him as a great guy, | | | | abuse.) It takes a great deal of courage to reach out |
| and she questions whether she really is responsible | | | | and begin to tell the secrets. She should tell them |
| for his unhappiness at home. | | | | anyway. |
| Tension permeates the home. The victim tries to | | | | This is a crucial point at which the victim needs to |
| maintain a semblance of normalcy, but children know | | | | stand on what she knows to be true. If one person |
| something is wrong even when it's unspoken. | | | | will not hear her, she needs to keep opening up |
| Children's responses are an effective barometer of | | | | (using discretion, of course) until someone does. |
| what may be going on in the household. They may | | | | Organizations familiar with domestic violence will |
| exhibit signs of depression or anxiety, struggle at | | | | understand and may be able to refer victims to an |
| school or in their friendships, or exhibit other | | | | appropriate counselor and other forms of support. |
| anti-social behaviors in a desperate cry for help. | | | | It is important to note that some victims buckle |
| There is nothing normal here. The victim feels | | | | under the pressure before they have the opportunity |
| helpless and wonders what in the world she is | | | | to share anything with anyone. They should waste |
| supposed to do next. Happiness seems virtually | | | | no time and simply get out. |
| unattainable. | | | | |