| Families do not communicate primarily by
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| | them and they wouldn't care. They have
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| language. That might surprise you, until
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| | turned off all emotion to avoid the pain
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| you consider that humans bonded in
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| | of walking on eggshells. One piece of
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| families for millennia before we even had
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| | research on children in abusive families
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| language. Even today, the most sensitive
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| | might startle you. Witnessing a parent
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| communications that have the most
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| | victimized is usually more
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| far-reaching consequences to our lives
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| | psychologically damaging to children than
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| occur between parents and infants through
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| | injuries from direct child abuse. In my
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| tone of voice, facial expressions, touch,
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| | own family, that was certainly true. I
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| smell, and body posture, not language.
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| | have only the faintest memories of child
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| Though less obvious than interactions
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| | abuse - a small hole in my skull and a
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| with young children, most of your
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| | knocked-out front tooth - but I have
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| communications with your older children
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| | vivid nightmares of seeing my mother
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| and with your husband also occur through
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| | ignored and dismissed as well as demeaned
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| an unconscious process of emotional
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| | and terrified. Seeing a parent abused is
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| attunement. You psychologically and even
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| | the more profound form of child abuse.
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| physically tune in your emotions to the
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| | When it comes to the more severe forms of
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| people you love. That's how you can come
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| | destructiveness, purely emotional abuse
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| home in one mood, find your husband or
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| | is usually more psychologically harmful
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| children in a different mood and, bam! -
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| | than physical abuse. There are a couple
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| all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you're
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| | of reasons for this. Even in the most
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| in their mood. Quite unconsciously, you
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| | violent families, the incidents tend to
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| automatically react to one another.
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| | be cyclical. Early in the abuse cycle, a
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| Emotional attunement, not verbal skills,
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| | violent outburst is followed by a
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| determines how we communicate, from our
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| | honeymoon period of remorse, attention,
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| choice of words to our tone of voice. If
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| | affection, and generosity, but not
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| attuned to a positive mood, you are
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| | genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage
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| likely to communicate pleasantly. If
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| | eventually ends, as the victim begins to
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| you're in a negative mood, your words
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| | say, "Never mind the damn flowers, just
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| will be less than pleasant. Now here's
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| | stop hitting me!") Emotional abuse, on
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| the really bad news. Due to this
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| | the other hand, tends to happen every
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| unconscious, automatic process of
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| | day. So the effects are more harmful
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| emotional attunement, your children are
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| | because they're so frequent. The other
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| painfully reactive to the
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| | factor that makes emotional abuse so
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| walking-on-eggshells atmosphere between
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| | devastating is the greater likelihood
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| your husband and you, even if they never
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| | that victims will blame themselves. If
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| hear you say a harsh word to one another.
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| | someone hits you, it's easier to see that
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| Everyone in a walking-on-eggshells family
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| | he or she is the problem, but if the
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| loses some degree of dignity and
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| | abuse is subtle - saying or implying that
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| autonomy. You become unable to decide
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| | you're ugly, a bad parent, stupid,
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| your own thoughts, feelings, and
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| | incompetent, not worth attention, or that
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| behavior, because you are living in a
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| | no one could love you - you are more
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| defensive-reactive pattern that runs
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| | likely to think it's your problem. All
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| largely on automatic pilot. No fewer than
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| | Forms of Abuse Have in Common a Failure
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| half the members of these unfortunate
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| | of Compassion Whether overt or silent,
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| families, including the children, suffer
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| | all forms of abuse are failures of
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| from clinical anxiety and/or depression.
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| | compassion; he stops caring about how you
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| ("Clinical" doesn't mean feeling down or
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| | feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of
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| blue or worried, it means that the
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| | families and failure of compassion is the
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| symptoms interfere with normal
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| | "heart disease" of a family's emotional
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| functioning. You can't sleep, can't
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| | life. It actually would be less hurtful
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| concentrate, can't work as efficiently,
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| | if your husband never cared about how you
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| and can't enjoy yourself without
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| | feel. But when you were falling in love,
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| drinking.) Most of the adults lack
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| | he cared a great deal, so now it feels
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| genuine self-esteem (based on realistic
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| | like betrayal when he doesn't care or try
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| self-appraisals), and the children rarely
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| | to understand. You feel as if he's not
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| feel as good as other kids. They are ten
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| | the person you married. It may not seem
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| times more likely to grow up to be
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| | it from your day-to-day interactions, but
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| resentful, angry, or abusive adults. If
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| | your husband probably loves you. His
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| the family is violent, children are ten
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| | emotional reactivity indicates that a
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| times more like to become abusers or
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| | strong bond still stirs the guilt and
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| victims of violence as adults. They are
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| | shame that, tragically, he blames on you.
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| also at increased risk of alcoholism,
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| | The fact that he loves you is both good
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| criminality, mental health problems, and
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| | news and bad news. Love by itself is so
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| poverty. The most common symptom of
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| | focused on how we feel that it masks the
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| children in families who walk on
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| | differences between people. The very
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| eggshells is depression. But the signs
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| | intensity of love can make the person you
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| can fool you; childhood depression looks
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| | love seem like little more than a source
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| different from the weeping, withdrawn, or
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| | of strong emotions. In other words, it
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| sullen adult version. In children the
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| | seems to him that you cause his emotions.
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| disorder resembles chronic boredom.
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| | If he feels good, you're on a pedestal;
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| Children normally have high levels of
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| | but if he feels bad, you're a demon.
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| interest, enjoyment, and excitement. If
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| | Compassion makes us sensitive to the
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| your child is not interested in the
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| | individual strengths and vulnerabilities
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| things in which children are normally
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| | of other people. As he learns to feel
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| interested, lacks enthusiasm, and is
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| | compassion under stress, your husband
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| seldom excited, he or she is probably
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| | will see that you are different from him,
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| depressed. Another common symptom of
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| | with your own temperament, sensibility,
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| these children is anxiety, particularly
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| | experiences, longings, hopes, and dreams
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| worry about things that children do not
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| | - all of which he probably did see when
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| normally worry about, like how their
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| | you were falling in love and his level of
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| parents are going to get through the
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| | compassion was naturally high. Love by
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| evening with each other. Many kids have
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| | itself buries differences in the shadows
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| school problems, show aggressive
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| | of how strongly we feel. Compassion
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| tendencies, hyperactivity, and either
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| | shines light on our differences and lets
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| over-emotionality -- anger, excitability,
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| | us appreciate and sympathize with loved
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| or frequent crying that seem to come out
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| | ones. Love without the sensitivity of
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| of nowhere -- or the polar opposite: no
| |
| | compassion is: rejecting (of who you
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| emotions at all. In the latter condition,
| |
| | really are as a person), possessive,
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| they can look like little stone children;
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| | controlling, and dangerous.
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| you could slice up a puppy in front of
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|
