Leaving The Child Behind. Recovery From Child Abuse.

I looked at my father for the last time before hechildhood affected me emotionally and mentally. I
was finally laid to rest. And I said to myself, "Ihave brought the memories of bygone age along into
forgive you father".my daily existence.
I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten theIn all my relationships, everything went well until my
turmoil, terror and abuse that I went through.partners suggested on serious commitments. I would
My father was working away most of the timethen sabotage the relationships.
when I was growing up. But when he was home, heI was not able to open up to anyone. I was very
was violent.defensive when given any advice or opinion on my
I remembered crying in the middle of the nightattitude and behavior.
listening to him beating up my mother. I could hearWhen there were arguments, I clamped up or
her sobs. And I wept because I could not dowalked off. I never wanted to face any issues and
anything about it.resolve them.
I was terrified of him. We were not supposed to doAnd I would not cry in front of anyone no matter
any thing wrong according to his terms. When I washow sad or hurt I was. I remembered a time when
six years old he pushed my head so hard onto themy sister was badly wounded and hospitalized. I did
floor. I still have the scar on my forehead.not want anyone to see me cry. I walked away and
When my mother was diagnosed with depression,cried my heart out alone in a secluded place.
the four of us siblings had to move and we lived withI excelled in my career by putting in lots of hours and
him. He hired someone to take care of us while heefforts. Now I realized that it was one way of
was away at work.escaping reality. I kept myself so busy so that I do
There was so much fear in us when he was back.not notice things that needed attention. I was using
My father was so angry with one of my brother'swork as a means to avoid commitments.
one day that he turned him upside down and wantedThere was one thing that I gained from the
to throw him off. I watched that episode with horror.experience of being abandoned. I was able to sit
From then on, I tried not to make any mistake. Iquietly alone for hours and reflect.
wept inside because he did not want to hear anyIt has developed my fascination on nature's beauty. I
whimper. And I continued watching him vent hislove the feel of the wind blowing on my face. I
anger on the rest of my siblings.enjoy watching the rain falling. And no matter how
When my father divorced my mother, I did notbad the weather is, it is still beautiful.
know how to feel or react. My mother was backI became curious about many things. I questioned
with us but her depression kept relapsing. We wereothers and myself about life and how some things
neglected.happen to certain people. I wondered why people
I found solace from friends at school. I enjoyedbehave the way they do. I looked for the answers.
reading stories and literature. I spent my time in theI have developed the strength to persevere. But
school library. There was no home sweet home.that is not enough. I want to become a survivor who
My mother could not take care of me. My fatheris able to balance her life and enjoy the abundance
took me away to live with his new family. It did notthat the universe has to offer.
work out. I was sent to a welfare home.I have decided to break myself free from the
I did not deserve to be abandoned but I wasshackles of my fragile upbringing. I promise myself
helpless. I was mad with my father. I was not angrythat I will not allow my past to continue ruining my
with my mother but I just did not understand whyfuture.
she had to be sick.This child has grown up and will not weep in silence
Until recently, I did not want to admit that myanymore.