Leaving The Child Behind. Recovery From Child Abuse.

I looked at my father for the last time before heUntil recently, I did not want to admit that my
was finally laid to rest. And I said to myself, \"Ichildhood affected me emotionally and mentally. I
forgive you father\".have brought the memories of bygone age along into
I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten themy daily existence.
turmoil, terror and abuse that I went through.In all my relationships, everything went well until my
My father was working away most of the timepartners suggested on serious commitments. I would
when I was growing up. But when he was home, hethen sabotage the relationships.
was violent.I was not able to open up to anyone. I was very
I remembered crying in the middle of the nightdefensive when given any advice or opinion on my
listening to him beating up my mother. I could hearattitude and behavior.
her sobs. And I wept because I could not doWhen there were arguments, I clamped up or
anything about it.walked off. I never wanted to face any issues and
I was terrified of him. We were not supposed to doresolve them.
any thing wrong according to his terms. When I wasAnd I would not cry in front of anyone no matter
six years old he pushed my head so hard onto thehow sad or hurt I was. I remembered a time when
floor. I still have the scar on my forehead.my sister was badly wounded and hospitalized. I did
When my mother was diagnosed with depression,not want anyone to see me cry. I walked away and
the four of us siblings had to move and we lived withcried my heart out alone in a secluded place.
him. He hired someone to take care of us while heI excelled in my career by putting in lots of hours and
was away at work.efforts. Now I realized that it was one way of
There was so much fear in us when he was back.escaping reality. I kept myself so busy so that I do
My father was so angry with one of my brothersnot notice things that needed attention. I was using
one day that he turned him upside down and wantedwork as a means to avoid commitments.
to throw him off. I watched that episode with horror.There was one thing that I gained from the
From then on, I tried not to make any mistake. Iexperience of being abandoned. I was able to sit
wept inside because he did not want to hear anyquietly alone for hours and reflect.
whimper. And I continued watching him vent hisIt has developed my fascination on natures beauty. I
anger on the rest of my siblings.love the feel of the wind blowing on my face. I
When my father divorced my mother, I did notenjoy watching the rain falling. And no matter how
know how to feel or react. My mother was backbad the weather is, it is still beautiful.
with us but her depression kept relapsing. We wereI became curious about many things. I questioned
neglected.others and myself about life and how some things
I found solace from friends at school. I enjoyedhappen to certain people. I wondered why people
reading stories and literature. I spent my time in thebehave the way they do. I looked for the answers.
school library. There was no home sweet home.I have developed the strength to persevere. But
My mother could not take care of me. My fatherthat is not enough. I want to become a survivor who
took me away to live with his new family. It did notis able to balance her life and enjoy the abundance
work out. I was sent to a welfare home.that the universe has to offer.
I did not deserve to be abandoned but I wasI have decided to break myself free from the
helpless. I was mad with my father. I was not angryshackles of my fragile upbringing. I promise myself
with my mother but I just did not understand whythat I will not allow my past to continue ruining my
she had to be sick.future.