| Families do not communicate primarily by language. | | | | hyperactivity, and either over-emotionality -- anger, |
| That might surprise you, until you consider that | | | | excitability, or frequent crying that seem to come |
| humans bonded in families for millennia before we | | | | out of nowhere -- or the polar opposite: no emotions |
| even had language. Even today, the most sensitive | | | | at all. In the latter condition, they can look like little |
| communications that have the most far-reaching | | | | stone children; you could slice up a puppy in front of |
| consequences to our lives occur between parents | | | | them and they wouldn't care. They have turned off |
| and infants through tone of voice, facial expressions, | | | | all emotion to avoid the pain of walking on eggshells. |
| touch, smell, and body posture, not language. | | | | One piece of research on children in abusive families |
| Though less obvious than interactions with young | | | | might startle you. Witnessing a parent victimized is |
| children, most of your communications with your | | | | usually more psychologically damaging to children than |
| older children and with your husband also occur | | | | injuries from direct child abuse. In my own family, |
| through an unconscious process of emotional | | | | that was certainly true. I have only the faintest |
| attunement. You psychologically and even physically | | | | memories of child abuse - a small hole in my skull and |
| tune in your emotions to the people you love. That's | | | | a knocked-out front tooth - but I have vivid |
| how you can come home in one mood, find your | | | | nightmares of seeing my mother ignored and |
| husband or children in a different mood and, bam! - all | | | | dismissed as well as demeaned and terrified. Seeing a |
| of a sudden, out of nowhere, you're in their mood. | | | | parent abused is the more profound form of child |
| Quite unconsciously, you automatically react to one | | | | abuse. |
| another. | | | | When it comes to the more severe forms of |
| Emotional attunement, not verbal skills, determines | | | | destructiveness, purely emotional abuse is usually |
| how we communicate, from our choice of words to | | | | more psychologically harmful than physical abuse. |
| our tone of voice. If attuned to a positive mood, you | | | | There are a couple of reasons for this. Even in the |
| are likely to communicate pleasantly. If you're in a | | | | most violent families, the incidents tend to be cyclical. |
| negative mood, your words will be less than pleasant. | | | | Early in the abuse cycle, a violent outburst is followed |
| Now here's the really bad news. Due to this | | | | by a honeymoon period of remorse, attention, |
| unconscious, automatic process of emotional | | | | affection, and generosity, but not genuine |
| attunement, your children are painfully reactive to the | | | | compassion. (The honeymoon stage eventually ends, |
| walking-on-eggshells atmosphere between your | | | | as the victim begins to say, "Never mind the damn |
| husband and you, even if they never hear you say a | | | | flowers, just stop hitting me!") Emotional abuse, on |
| harsh word to one another. | | | | the other hand, tends to happen every day. So the |
| Everyone in a walking-on-eggshells family loses some | | | | effects are more harmful because they're so |
| degree of dignity and autonomy. You become unable | | | | frequent. |
| to decide your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, | | | | The other factor that makes emotional abuse so |
| because you are living in a defensive-reactive pattern | | | | devastating is the greater likelihood that victims will |
| that runs largely on automatic pilot. No fewer than | | | | blame themselves. If someone hits you, it's easier to |
| half the members of these unfortunate families, | | | | see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is |
| including the children, suffer from clinical anxiety and | | | | subtle - saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad |
| or depression. ("Clinical" doesn't mean feeling down or | | | | parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or |
| blue or worried, it means that the symptoms | | | | that no one could love you - you are more likely to |
| interfere with normal functioning. You can't sleep, | | | | think it's your problem. |
| can't concentrate, can't work as efficiently, and can't | | | | All Forms of Abuse Have in Common a Failure of |
| enjoy yourself without drinking.) Most of the adults | | | | Compassion |
| lack genuine self-esteem (based on realistic | | | | Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are |
| self-appraisals), and the children rarely feel as good as | | | | failures of compassion; he stops caring about how |
| other kids. They are ten times more likely to grow | | | | you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of families and |
| up to be resentful, angry, or abusive adults. If the | | | | failure of compassion is the "heart disease" of a |
| family is violent, children are ten times more like to | | | | family's emotional life. It actually would be less hurtful |
| become abusers or victims of violence as adults. | | | | if your husband never cared about how you feel. But |
| They are also at increased risk of alcoholism, | | | | when you were falling in love, he cared a great deal, |
| criminality, mental health problems, and poverty. | | | | so now it feels like betrayal when he doesn't care or |
| The most common symptom of children in families | | | | try to understand. You feel as if he's not the person |
| who walk on eggshells is depression. But the signs | | | | you married. |
| can fool you; childhood depression looks different | | | | It may not seem it from your day-to-day |
| from the weeping, withdrawn, or sullen adult version. | | | | interactions, but your husband probably loves you. His |
| In children the disorder resembles chronic boredom. | | | | emotional reactivity indicates that a strong bond still |
| Children normally have high levels of interest, | | | | stirs the guilt and shame that, tragically, he blames on |
| enjoyment, and excitement. If your child is not | | | | you. The fact that he loves you is both good news |
| interested in the things in which children are normally | | | | and bad news. Love by itself is so focused on how |
| interested, lacks enthusiasm, and is seldom excited, | | | | we feel that it masks the differences between |
| he or she is probably depressed. Another common | | | | people. The very intensity of love can make the |
| symptom of these children is anxiety, particularly | | | | person you love seem like little more than a source |
| worry about things that children do not normally | | | | of strong emotions. In other words, it seems to him |
| worry about, like how their parents are going to get | | | | that you cause his emotions. If he feels good, you're |
| through the evening with each other. Many kids have | | | | on a pedestal; but if he feels bad, you're a demon. |
| school problems, show aggressive tendencies, | | | | |