| Families do not communicate primarily by | | | | and either over-emotionality -- anger, |
| language. That might surprise you, until you | | | | excitability, or frequent crying that seem to |
| consider that humans bonded in families for | | | | come out of nowhere -- or the polar opposite: |
| millennia before we even had language. Even | | | | no emotions at all. In the latter condition, |
| today, the most sensitive communications that | | | | they can look like little stone children; you |
| have the most far-reaching consequences to | | | | could slice up a puppy in front of them and |
| our lives occur between parents and infants | | | | they wouldn't care. They have turned off all |
| through tone of voice, facial expressions, | | | | emotion to avoid the pain of walking on |
| touch, smell, and body posture, not language. | | | | eggshells. |
| | | | |
| Though less obvious than interactions with | | | | One piece of research on children in abusive |
| young children, most of your communications | | | | families might startle you. Witnessing a |
| with your older children and with your | | | | parent victimized is usually more |
| husband also occur through an unconscious | | | | psychologically damaging to children than |
| process of emotional attunement. You | | | | injuries from direct child abuse. In my own |
| psychologically and even physically tune in | | | | family, that was certainly true. I have only |
| your emotions to the people you love. That's | | | | the faintest memories of child abuse - a |
| how you can come home in one mood, find your | | | | small hole in my skull and a knocked-out |
| husband or children in a different mood and, | | | | front tooth - but I have vivid nightmares of |
| bam! - all of a sudden, out of nowhere, | | | | seeing my mother ignored and dismissed as |
| you're in their mood. Quite unconsciously, | | | | well as demeaned and terrified. Seeing a |
| you automatically react to one another. | | | | parent abused is the more profound form of |
| | | | child abuse. |
| Emotional attunement, not verbal skills, | | | | |
| determines how we communicate, from our | | | | When it comes to the more severe forms of |
| choice of words to our tone of voice. If | | | | destructiveness, purely emotional abuse is |
| attuned to a positive mood, you are likely to | | | | usually more psychologically harmful than |
| communicate pleasantly. If you're in a | | | | physical abuse. There are a couple of reasons |
| negative mood, your words will be less than | | | | for this. Even in the most violent families, |
| pleasant. | | | | the incidents tend to be cyclical. Early in |
| | | | the abuse cycle, a violent outburst is |
| Now here's the really bad news. Due to this | | | | followed by a honeymoon period of remorse, |
| unconscious, automatic process of emotional | | | | attention, affection, and generosity, but not |
| attunement, your children are painfully | | | | genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage |
| reactive to the walking-on-eggshells | | | | eventually ends, as the victim begins to say, |
| atmosphere between your husband and you, even | | | | "Never mind the damn flowers, just stop |
| if they never hear you say a harsh word to | | | | hitting me!") Emotional abuse, on the other |
| one another. | | | | hand, tends to happen every day. So the |
| | | | effects are more harmful because they're so |
| Everyone in a walking-on-eggshells family | | | | frequent. |
| loses some degree of dignity and autonomy. | | | | |
| You become unable to decide your own | | | | The other factor that makes emotional abuse |
| thoughts, feelings, and behavior, because you | | | | so devastating is the greater likelihood that |
| are living in a defensive-reactive pattern | | | | victims will blame themselves. If someone |
| that runs largely on automatic pilot. No | | | | hits you, it's easier to see that he or she |
| fewer than half the members of these | | | | is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle - |
| unfortunate families, including the children, | | | | saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad |
| suffer from clinical anxiety and/or | | | | parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth |
| depression. ("Clinical" doesn't mean feeling | | | | attention, or that no one could love you - |
| down or blue or worried, it means that the | | | | you are more likely to think it's your |
| symptoms interfere with normal functioning. | | | | problem. |
| You can't sleep, can't concentrate, can't | | | | |
| work as efficiently, and can't enjoy yourself | | | | All Forms of Abuse Have in Common a Failure |
| without drinking.) Most of the adults lack | | | | of Compassion |
| genuine self-esteem (based on realistic | | | | |
| self-appraisals), and the children rarely | | | | Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse |
| feel as good as other kids. They are ten | | | | are failures of compassion; he stops caring |
| times more likely to grow up to be resentful, | | | | about how you feel. Compassion is the |
| angry, or abusive adults. If the family is | | | | lifeblood of families and failure of |
| violent, children are ten times more like to | | | | compassion is the "heart disease" of a |
| become abusers or victims of violence as | | | | family's emotional life. It actually would be |
| adults. They are also at increased risk of | | | | less hurtful if your husband never cared |
| alcoholism, criminality, mental health | | | | about how you feel. But when you were falling |
| problems, and poverty. | | | | in love, he cared a great deal, so now it |
| | | | feels like betrayal when he doesn't care or |
| The most common symptom of children in | | | | try to understand. You feel as if he's not |
| families who walk on eggshells is depression. | | | | the person you married. |
| But the signs can fool you; childhood | | | | |
| depression looks different from the weeping, | | | | It may not seem it from your day-to-day |
| withdrawn, or sullen adult version. In | | | | interactions, but your husband probably loves |
| children the disorder resembles chronic | | | | you. His emotional reactivity indicates that |
| boredom. Children normally have high levels | | | | a strong bond still stirs the guilt and shame |
| of interest, enjoyment, and excitement. If | | | | that, tragically, he blames on you. The fact |
| your child is not interested in the things in | | | | that he loves you is both good news and bad |
| which children are normally interested, lacks | | | | news. Love by itself is so focused on how we |
| enthusiasm, and is seldom excited, he or she | | | | feel that it masks the differences between |
| is probably depressed. Another common symptom | | | | people. The very intensity of love can make |
| of these children is anxiety, particularly | | | | the person you love seem like little more |
| worry about things that children do not | | | | than a source of strong emotions. In other |
| normally worry about, like how their parents | | | | words, it seems to him that you cause his |
| are going to get through the evening with | | | | emotions. If he feels good, you're on a |
| each other. Many kids have school problems, | | | | pedestal; but if he feels bad, you're a |
| show aggressive tendencies, hyperactivity, | | | | demon. |