| Families do not communicate primarily by
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| | aggressive tendencies, hyperactivity, and
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| language. That might surprise you, until
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| | either over-emotionality -- anger,
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| you consider that humans bonded in
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| | excitability, or frequent crying that
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| families for millennia before we even had
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| | seem to come out of nowhere -- or the
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| language. Even today, the most sensitive
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| | polar opposite: no emotions at all. In
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| communications that have the most
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| | the latter condition, they can look like
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| far-reaching consequences to our lives
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| | little stone children; you could slice up
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| occur between parents and infants through
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| | a puppy in front of them and they
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| tone of voice, facial expressions, touch,
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| | wouldn't care. They have turned off all
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| smell, and body posture, not language.
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| | emotion to avoid the pain of walking on
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| Though less obvious than interactions
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| | eggshells.
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| with young children, most of your
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| | One piece of research on children in
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| communications with your older children
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| | abusive families might startle you.
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| and with your husband also occur through
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| | Witnessing a parent victimized is usually
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| an unconscious process of emotional
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| | more psychologically damaging to children
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| attunement. You psychologically and even
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| | than injuries from direct child abuse. In
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| physically tune in your emotions to the
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| | my own family, that was certainly true. I
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| people you love. That's how you can come
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| | have only the faintest memories of child
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| home in one mood, find your husband or
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| | abuse - a small hole in my skull and a
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| children in a different mood and, bam! -
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| | knocked-out front tooth - but I have
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| all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you're
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| | vivid nightmares of seeing my mother
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| in their mood. Quite unconsciously, you
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| | ignored and dismissed as well as demeaned
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| automatically react to one another.
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| | and terrified. Seeing a parent abused is
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| Emotional attunement, not verbal skills,
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| | the more profound form of child abuse.
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| determines how we communicate, from our
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| | When it comes to the more severe forms of
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| choice of words to our tone of voice. If
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| | destructiveness, purely emotional abuse
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| attuned to a positive mood, you are
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| | is usually more psychologically harmful
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| likely to communicate pleasantly. If
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| | than physical abuse. There are a couple
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| you're in a negative mood, your words
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| | of reasons for this. Even in the most
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| will be less than pleasant.
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| | violent families, the incidents tend to
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| Now here's the really bad news. Due to
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| | be cyclical. Early in the abuse cycle, a
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| this unconscious, automatic process of
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| | violent outburst is followed by a
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| emotional attunement, your children are
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| | honeymoon period of remorse, attention,
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| painfully reactive to the
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| | affection, and generosity, but not
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| walking-on-eggshells atmosphere between
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| | genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage
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| your husband and you, even if they never
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| | eventually ends, as the victim begins to
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| hear you say a harsh word to one another.
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| | say, "Never mind the damn flowers, just
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| Everyone in a walking-on-eggshells family
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| | stop hitting me!") Emotional abuse, on
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| loses some degree of dignity and
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| | the other hand, tends to happen every
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| autonomy. You become unable to decide
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| | day. So the effects are more harmful
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| your own thoughts, feelings, and
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| | because they're so frequent.
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| behavior, because you are living in a
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| | The other factor that makes emotional
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| defensive-reactive pattern that runs
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| | abuse so devastating is the greater
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| largely on automatic pilot. No fewer than
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| | likelihood that victims will blame
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| half the members of these unfortunate
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| | themselves. If someone hits you, it's
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| families, including the children, suffer
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| | easier to see that he or she is the
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| from clinical anxiety and/or depression.
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| | problem, but if the abuse is subtle -
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| ("Clinical" doesn't mean feeling down or
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| | saying or implying that you're ugly, a
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| blue or worried, it means that the
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| | bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not
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| symptoms interfere with normal
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| | worth attention, or that no one could
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| functioning. You can't sleep, can't
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| | love you - you are more likely to think
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| concentrate, can't work as efficiently,
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| | it's your problem.
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| and can't enjoy yourself without
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| | All Forms of Abuse Have in Common a
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| drinking.) Most of the adults lack
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| | Failure of Compassion
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| genuine self-esteem (based on realistic
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| | Whether overt or silent, all forms of
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| self-appraisals), and the children rarely
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| | abuse are failures of compassion; he
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| feel as good as other kids. They are ten
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| | stops caring about how you feel.
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| times more likely to grow up to be
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| | Compassion is the lifeblood of families
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| resentful, angry, or abusive adults. If
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| | and failure of compassion is the "heart
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| the family is violent, children are ten
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| | disease" of a family's emotional life. It
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| times more like to become abusers or
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| | actually would be less hurtful if your
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| victims of violence as adults. They are
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| | husband never cared about how you feel.
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| also at increased risk of alcoholism,
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| | But when you were falling in love, he
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| criminality, mental health problems, and
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| | cared a great deal, so now it feels like
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| poverty.
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| | betrayal when he doesn't care or try to
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| The most common symptom of children in
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| | understand. You feel as if he's not the
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| families who walk on eggshells is
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| | person you married.
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| depression. But the signs can fool you;
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| | It may not seem it from your day-to-day
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| childhood depression looks different from
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| | interactions, but your husband probably
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| the weeping, withdrawn, or sullen adult
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| | loves you. His emotional reactivity
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| version. In children the disorder
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| | indicates that a strong bond still stirs
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| resembles chronic boredom. Children
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| | the guilt and shame that, tragically, he
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| normally have high levels of interest,
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| | blames on you. The fact that he loves you
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| enjoyment, and excitement. If your child
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| | is both good news and bad news. Love by
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| is not interested in the things in which
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| | itself is so focused on how we feel that
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| children are normally interested, lacks
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| | it masks the differences between people.
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| enthusiasm, and is seldom excited, he or
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| | The very intensity of love can make the
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| she is probably depressed. Another common
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| | person you love seem like little more
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| symptom of these children is anxiety,
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| | than a source of strong emotions. In
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| particularly worry about things that
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| | other words, it seems to him that you
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| children do not normally worry about,
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| | cause his emotions. If he feels good,
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| like how their parents are going to get
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| | you're on a pedestal; but if he feels
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| through the evening with each other. Many
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| | bad, you're a demon.
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| kids have school problems, show
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|
