| Many people have done the tough work of recovery | | | | actively maintain safety and respect, both for each |
| from sexual abuse, whether with help in therapy or | | | | other and for the integrity of the relationship. |
| on one's own. It challenges us to the core, but it also | | | | People without abuse history typically recognize when |
| frees us, and gives life and possibility where we once | | | | another person (man or woman) is "coming onto" |
| felt that we might never get through it. | | | | them inappropriately, and they have no trouble telling |
| For some, getting into a relationship, or continuing | | | | the "intruder," so to speak, to back off. With abuse |
| with one we've been in, after abuse recovery is a | | | | history, especially if the abuse was chronic, we don't |
| fairly smooth process. For others, the challenge holds | | | | even recognize inappropriate behavior, because such |
| a range of feelings, such as the longing to be loved, | | | | behavior was "normalized" during one's childhood. ("I |
| mixed with uncertainty, anxiety, fear, even panic. It | | | | thought that was normal!" The abuse survivor then is |
| often comes with a deep sense of undeserving, or | | | | less likely to take steps to protect oneself, and is left |
| the belief, "I am unlovable." Some people will go | | | | with an array of feelings, including frustration, |
| through a long period of celibacy, even after sexual | | | | disappointment, confusion ("How come this keeps |
| abuse counseling. Others might try dating, but find | | | | happening for me?"), anger, and resignation ("All men |
| themselves repeating patterns that occurred in | | | | women are like this, they just want me for sex.") |
| abusive relationships, with their new partners. | | | | How different it becomes when the survivor learns |
| Sometimes abuse survivors find it very difficult to be | | | | to recognize inappropriate behavior for what it is, use |
| intimate, either sexually or emotionally, or both. Or | | | | appropriate boundaries, move on, and then be able to |
| they might tend to feel more like a sex object, and | | | | open to what we do want, a person who is |
| not be recognized for who they are as a person. | | | | respectful, loving, honest, and so on. |
| "Healthy Relationships are not only a source of | | | | "As children, when our parents directly contradict our |
| fulfillment, they are where the final healing takes | | | | inner voice, our intuitive knowing, we'll trust them and |
| place." | | | | discount our own truth. As adults, we have to learn |
| But we can love and be loved, trust, and be trusted, | | | | to trust our intuition all over again." |
| again. I have a number of clients who have sexual | | | | Another unfortunate, but repairable, side-effect of |
| abuse history, and do the work of recovery, only to | | | | sexual abuse is that we have often lost trust in our |
| discover that they feel handicapped when it comes | | | | intuition. If our intuition told us that something that |
| time to be in a healthy relationship. Yet healthy | | | | happened wasn't right, but all the adults in our family |
| relationships are not only a source of fulfillment, they | | | | said, "I don't see any problem here," or "You're lying! |
| are where the final healing of sexual abuse issues | | | | Shame on you!" we get confused. As children we |
| takes place. I have seen many women and men | | | | need to trust our parents for our basic survival. |
| overcome their fears, and build healthy and loving | | | | When our parents say and do things that directly |
| relationships. | | | | contradict our inner voice, our intuitive knowing, we'll |
| While everyone is different, there are a few | | | | trust mom or dad, and discount ourselves. For |
| common themes that surface for those with a | | | | children, it's safer this way. But as adults, it takes |
| history of abuse. For instance, it's unlikely that one | | | | retraining to trust our intuition again. This is a gradual |
| who suffered abuse was taught much about | | | | process, but it can be done. Once we trust our inner |
| boundaries. Yet good boundaries are inherent in any | | | | knowing more fully, we become confident, more |
| healthy relationship. This comes up in a variety of | | | | empowered, and more able to receive what is |
| ways. For example, many couples have learned to be | | | | beneficial to us. |
| very careful not to say hurtful things to their partner | | | | Love, trust, intimacy, and ease are not only possible; |
| during a fight; they've learned not to be flirtatious | | | | they are our birthright. We mustn't allow someone |
| with others if they are in an exclusive relationship. | | | | else's violation of us to impede our right to love and |
| These may seem like small concerns, but they | | | | be loved. Thankfully, we don't have to. |