| Take Charge of Your Life | | | | conclude that they deserve respect and, |
| | | | hence,develop self-respect. When children are |
| Copyright © 2005 Stephanie Marston, MFT | | | | treated with acceptance,they develop |
| | | | self-acceptance; when they are cherished, |
| Not long ago a friend of mine had a baby. As | | | | theyconclude that they deserve to be loved |
| I stared into thewindow at the rows of | | | | and they develop self-esteem. Conversely, if |
| infants lying in their bassinettes, I | | | | they are mistreated or abused, theyconclude |
| wasstruck with how similar they looked. Yes, | | | | that they deserve that, too. |
| some had dark hair,some curly hair, and some | | | | |
| had no hair at all. Some were largeror | | | | Parents are, in effect, mirrors: What we |
| weighed a bit more than others, but mostly | | | | reflect back to our kidsbecomes the basis for |
| they were allpretty much the same. What would | | | | their self-image, which in turn influencesall |
| they be like, I asked myself, ifthey came | | | | areas of their lives. To put it another way, |
| back as adults for a reunion? What would we | | | | who our childrenare is not nearly as |
| find? | | | | important as who they think they are. |
| | | | |
| Both research and commonsense tells us that | | | | Shower Your Children with Love |
| we'd find that somepeople took life by its | | | | |
| tail and made the most of it. Some wouldbe | | | | Conveying our love to our children is |
| successes in business or art. Others would | | | | priority number one inbuilding a healthy |
| be exceptionalparents, teachers, lawyers, | | | | sense of self-esteem in our children. It |
| nurses, etc. Statistics also tell usthat | | | | needsto come before any other aspect of the |
| we'd find others whose futures had taken | | | | parenting process, suchas, setting limits or |
| quite a differentturn. Some would have | | | | correcting behavior. Your kids need toknow, |
| addictions to drugs or alcohol. | | | | first and foremost that no matter what they |
| Otherssomehow would just be unable to make | | | | do, while youmay not like or approve of their |
| their lives work. | | | | actions, you continue to lovethem. |
| | | | |
| I started to think about what caused these | | | | Children need tangible demonstrations of your |
| incredibly variedoutcomes: How could all | | | | love. They, likeadults, need to be told |
| these children who started out so equalhave | | | | directly and often, "I love you." I'venever |
| ended up so differently? Oh, I suppose some | | | | had anyone come up to me at the end of a |
| of thediscrepancy could be passed off to | | | | parenting seminarand say, "Could you please |
| genetics, but what about therest? Did a | | | | tell my husband to stop telling me heloves |
| fairy fly through the room with magic dust | | | | me?" We can never hear "I love you" too |
| andsprinkle some but not others? No, not | | | | often. Our childrendon't automatically feel |
| unless reality was createdby Walt Disney. | | | | loved simply because they are part of |
| | | | afamily. |
| In the last 25 years of my working with | | | | |
| people in my therapypractice and as a parent | | | | Your unconditional love needs to be the basis |
| educator, I've discovered that thesingle most | | | | of yourrelationship with your children. |
| important factor that determines whether | | | | Unconditional love is lovingyour kids for who |
| childrengrow up to be happy and successful is | | | | they are, not for what they do. Our |
| their self-esteem. Achild's self-esteem | | | | kidsshouldn't have to earn our love, |
| affects every area of her existence-from | | | | acceptance, or respect. It istheir birthright |
| thefriends she chooses, to how well she does | | | | and should be given freely. |
| in school, to what kindof job she pursues, to | | | | |
| even the person she chooses to marry. Butwhat | | | | Unconditional love requires loving your kids |
| exactly is this illusive, intangible thing | | | | regardless of whatyou expect them to be and, |
| called self-esteem? | | | | most difficult, no matter how theyact. By |
| | | | this I don't mean that we like or accept |
| Defined simply, self-esteem is the sense of | | | | inappropriatebehavior, but with unconditional |
| being lovable andcapable. When these two | | | | love we love the child even atthose times |
| qualities are in sync, a child has | | | | when we dislike what he or she does. |
| highself-esteem. Children need first to know | | | | |
| that they are loved andaccepted for who they | | | | I'm not going to pretend that this is easy. |
| are. Then, with this as a basis, theirnatural | | | | It isn't. |
| impulse is to take that love and learn to | | | | |
| contribute itto the world in constructive | | | | Unconditional love isn't something you will |
| ways. It's not hard to see thatself-esteem is | | | | achieve every minuteof every day. But, it is |
| the best gift you can give your children. | | | | the thought we must hold in our heartsevery |
| | | | single day. The underlying message of |
| As you work to give your child this marvelous | | | | unconditional loveis, "I love you no matter |
| gift, the mostimportant thing to understand | | | | what you do. I am committed to you |
| is this: Self-esteem evolves inkids primarily | | | | 100percent, and will be here for you through |
| through the quality of our relationships | | | | thick or thin." Thesekinds of messages are |
| withthem. For the first several years of | | | | surefire builders of healthy self-esteem. |
| their lives you are theirmajor influence. | | | | |
| Later on, teachers and friends come into | | | | Stephanie is an acclaimed speaker and author. |
| thepicture. But especially at the beginning, | | | | She speaks fromexperience. Stephanie is the |
| you're it with acapital I. | | | | "go to" expert for those who seekto create |
| | | | quality driven lives. She is the author of |
| We Are Mirrors for Our Kids | | | | Chicken |
| | | | |
| Because children see parents as authority | | | | Soup for the Soul's Life Lessons for Women: |
| figures, they thinkthat the way you treat | | | | 7 Essential |
| them is the way they deserve to betreated: | | | | |
| "What you say about me is what I am," is a | | | | Ingredients for a Balanced Life, If Not Now, |
| literal truthto your child. Consequently, | | | | When? |
| when children are treated withrespect, they | | | | |