| Take Charge of Your Life | | | | is what I am," is a literal truthto your child. |
| Copyright © 2005 Stephanie Marston, MFT | | | | Consequently, when children are treated withrespect, |
| Not long ago a friend of mine had a baby. As I | | | | they conclude that they deserve respect and, |
| stared into thewindow at the rows of infants lying in | | | | hence,develop self-respect. When children are treated |
| their bassinettes, I wasstruck with how similar they | | | | with acceptance,they develop self-acceptance; when |
| looked. Yes, some had dark hair,some curly hair, and | | | | they are cherished, theyconclude that they deserve |
| some had no hair at all. Some were largeror weighed | | | | to be loved and they develop self-esteem. |
| a bit more than others, but mostly they were | | | | Conversely, if they are mistreated or abused, |
| allpretty much the same. What would they be like, I | | | | theyconclude that they deserve that, too. |
| asked myself, ifthey came back as adults for a | | | | Parents are, in effect, mirrors: What we reflect back |
| reunion? What would we find? | | | | to our kidsbecomes the basis for their self-image, |
| Both research and commonsense tells us that we'd | | | | which in turn influencesall areas of their lives. To put it |
| find that somepeople took life by its tail and made | | | | another way, who our childrenare is not nearly as |
| the most of it. Some wouldbe successes in business | | | | important as who they think they are. |
| or art. Others would be exceptionalparents, teachers, | | | | Shower Your Children with Love |
| lawyers, nurses, etc. Statistics also tell usthat we'd | | | | Conveying our love to our children is priority number |
| find others whose futures had taken quite a | | | | one inbuilding a healthy sense of self-esteem in our |
| differentturn. Some would have addictions to drugs | | | | children. It needsto come before any other aspect of |
| or alcohol. Otherssomehow would just be unable to | | | | the parenting process, suchas, setting limits or |
| make their lives work. | | | | correcting behavior. Your kids need toknow, first and |
| I started to think about what caused these incredibly | | | | foremost that no matter what they do, while |
| variedoutcomes: How could all these children who | | | | youmay not like or approve of their actions, you |
| started out so equalhave ended up so differently? | | | | continue to lovethem. |
| Oh, I suppose some of thediscrepancy could be | | | | Children need tangible demonstrations of your love. |
| passed off to genetics, but what about therest? Did | | | | They, likeadults, need to be told directly and often, "I |
| a fairy fly through the room with magic dust | | | | love you." I'venever had anyone come up to me at |
| andsprinkle some but not others? No, not unless | | | | the end of a parenting seminarand say, "Could you |
| reality was createdby Walt Disney. | | | | please tell my husband to stop telling me heloves |
| In the last 25 years of my working with people in my | | | | me?" We can never hear "I love you" too often. Our |
| therapypractice and as a parent educator, I've | | | | childrendon't automatically feel loved simply because |
| discovered that thesingle most important factor that | | | | they are part of afamily. |
| determines whether childrengrow up to be happy and | | | | Your unconditional love needs to be the basis of |
| successful is their self-esteem. Achild's self-esteem | | | | yourrelationship with your children. Unconditional love |
| affects every area of her existence-from thefriends | | | | is lovingyour kids for who they are, not for what |
| she chooses, to how well she does in school, to | | | | they do. Our kidsshouldn't have to earn our love, |
| what kindof job she pursues, to even the person she | | | | acceptance, or respect. It istheir birthright and should |
| chooses to marry. Butwhat exactly is this illusive, | | | | be given freely. |
| intangible thing called self-esteem? | | | | Unconditional love requires loving your kids regardless |
| Defined simply, self-esteem is the sense of being | | | | of whatyou expect them to be and, most difficult, |
| lovable andcapable. When these two qualities are in | | | | no matter how theyact. By this I don't mean that we |
| sync, a child has highself-esteem. Children need first | | | | like or accept inappropriatebehavior, but with |
| to know that they are loved andaccepted for who | | | | unconditional love we love the child even atthose |
| they are. Then, with this as a basis, theirnatural | | | | times when we dislike what he or she does. |
| impulse is to take that love and learn to contribute | | | | I'm not going to pretend that this is easy. It isn't. |
| itto the world in constructive ways. It's not hard to | | | | Unconditional love isn't something you will achieve |
| see thatself-esteem is the best gift you can give | | | | every minuteof every day. But, it is the thought we |
| your children. | | | | must hold in our heartsevery single day. The |
| As you work to give your child this marvelous gift, | | | | underlying message of unconditional loveis, "I love |
| the mostimportant thing to understand is this: | | | | you no matter what you do. I am committed to you |
| Self-esteem evolves inkids primarily through the | | | | 100percent, and will be here for you through thick or |
| quality of our relationships withthem. For the first | | | | thin." Thesekinds of messages are surefire builders of |
| several years of their lives you are theirmajor | | | | healthy self-esteem. |
| influence. Later on, teachers and friends come into | | | | Stephanie is an acclaimed speaker and author. She |
| thepicture. But especially at the beginning, you're it | | | | speaks fromexperience. Stephanie is the "go to" |
| with acapital I. | | | | expert for those who seekto create quality driven |
| We Are Mirrors for Our Kids | | | | lives. She is the author of Chicken |
| Because children see parents as authority figures, | | | | Soup for the Soul's Life Lessons for Women: 7 |
| they thinkthat the way you treat them is the way | | | | Essential |
| they deserve to betreated: "What you say about me | | | | Ingredients for a Balanced Life, If Not Now, When? |