| We are all members of a few families in
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| | the narcissist, a fully controlled and
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| our lifetime: the one that we are born to
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| | manipulated object. Sex, to the
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| and the one(s) that we create. We all
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| | narcissist, is the ultimate act of
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| transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes
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| | depersonalization and objectification of
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| and desires - a whole emotional baggage -
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| | the other. He actually masturbates with
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| from the former to the latter. The
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| | other people's bodies.
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| narcissist is no exception.
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| | Minors pose little danger of criticizing
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| The narcissist has a dichotomous view of
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| | the narcissist or confronting him. They
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| humanity: humans are either Sources of
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| | are perfect, malleable and abundant
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| Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealised
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| | sources of Narcissistic Supply. The
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| and over-valued) or do not fulfil this
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| | narcissist derives gratification from
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| function (and, therefore, are valueless,
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| | having coital relations with adulating,
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| devalued). The narcissist gets all the
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| | physically and mentally inferior,
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| love that he needs from himself. From the
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| | inexperienced and dependent "bodies".
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| outside he needs approval, affirmation,
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| | These roles - allocated to them
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| admiration, adoration, attention - in
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| | explicitly and demandingly or implicitly
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| other words, externalised Ego boundary
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| | and perniciously by the narcissist - are
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| functions.
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| | best fulfilled by ones whose mind is not
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| He does not require - nor does he seek -
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| | yet fully formed and independent. The
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| his parents' or his siblings' love, or to
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| | older the siblings or offspring, the more
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| be loved by his children. He casts them
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| | they become critical, even judgemental,
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| as the audience in the theatre of his
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| | of the narcissist. They are better able
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| inflated grandiosity. He wishes to
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| | to put into context and perspective his
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| impress them, shock them, threaten them,
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| | actions, to question his motives, to
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| infuse them with awe, inspire them,
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| | anticipate his moves.
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| attract their attention, subjugate them,
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| | As they mature, they often refuse to
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| or manipulate them.
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| | continue to play the mindless pawns in
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| He emulates and simulates an entire range
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| | his chess game. They hold grudges against
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| of emotions and employs every means to
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| | him for what he has done to them in the
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| achieve these effects. He lies
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| | past, when they were less capable of
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| (narcissists are pathological liars -
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| | resistance. They can gauge his true
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| their very self is a false one). He acts
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| | stature, talents and achievements -
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| the pitiful, or, its opposite, the
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| | which, usually, lag far behind the claims
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| resilient and reliable. He stuns and
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| | that he makes.
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| shines with outstanding intellectual, or
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| | This brings the narcissist a full cycle
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| physical capacities and achievements, or
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| | back to the first phase. Again, he
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| behaviour patterns appreciated by the
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| | perceives his siblings or sons/daughters
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| members of the family. When confronted
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| | as threats. He quickly becomes
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| with (younger) siblings or with his own
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| | disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all
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| children, the narcissist is likely to go
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| | interest, becomes emotionally remote,
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| through three phases:
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| | absent and cold, rejects any effort to
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| At first, he perceives his offspring or
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| | communicate with him, citing life
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| siblings as a threat to his Narcissistic
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| | pressures and the preciousness and
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| Supply, such as the attention of his
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| | scarceness of his time.
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| spouse, or mother, as the case may be.
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| | He feels burdened, cornered, besieged,
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| They intrude on his turf and invade the
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| | suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants
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| Pathological Narcissistic Space. The
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| | to get away, to abandon his commitments
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| narcissist does his best to belittle
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| | to people who have become totally useless
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| them, hurt (even physically) and
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| | (or even damaging) to him. He does not
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| humiliate them and then, when these
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| | understand why he has to support them, or
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| reactions prove ineffective or counter
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| | to suffer their company and he believes
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| productive, he retreats into an imaginary
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| | himself to have been deliberately and
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| world of omnipotence. A period of
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| | ruthlessly trapped.
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| emotional absence and detachment ensues.
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| | He rebels either passively-aggressively
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| His aggression having failed to elicit
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| | (by refusing to act or by intentionally
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| Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist
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| | sabotaging the relationships) or actively
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| proceeds to indulge himself in
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| | (by being overly critical, aggressive,
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| daydreaming, delusions of grandeur,
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| | unpleasant, verbally and psychologically
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| planning of future coups, nostalgia and
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| | abusive and so on). Slowly - to justify
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| hurt (the Lost Paradise Syndrome). The
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| | his acts to himself - he gets immersed in
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| narcissist reacts this way to the birth
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| | conspiracy theories with clear paranoid
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| of his children or to the introduction of
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| | hues.
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| new foci of attention to the family cell
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| | To his mind, the members of the family
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| (even to a new pet!).
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| | conspire against him, seek to belittle or
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| Whoever the narcissist perceives to be in
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| | humiliate or subordinate him, do not
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| competition for scarce Narcissistic
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| | understand him, or stymie his growth. The
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| Supply is relegated to the role of the
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| | narcissist usually finally gets what he
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| enemy. Where the uninhibited expression
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| | wants and the family that he has created
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| of the aggression and hostility aroused
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| | disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to
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| by this predicament is illegitimate or
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| | the loss of the Narcissistic Space) - but
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| impossible - the narcissist prefers to
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| | also to his great relief and surprise
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| stay away. Rather than attack his
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| | (how could they have let go someone as
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| offspring or siblings, he sometimes
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| | unique as he?).
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| immediately disconnects, detaches himself
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| | This is the cycle: the narcissist feels
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| emotionally, becomes cold and
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| | threatened by arrival of new family
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| uninterested, or directs transformed
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| | members - he tries to assimilate or annex
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| anger at his mate or at his parents (the
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| | of siblings or offspring - he obtains
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| more "legitimate" targets).
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| | Narcissistic Supply from them - he
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| Other narcissists see the opportunity in
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| | overvalues and idealizes these newfound
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| the "mishap". They seek to manipulate
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| | sources - as sources grow older and
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| their parents (or their mate) by "taking
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| | independent, they adopt anti narcissistic
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| over" the newcomer. Such narcissists
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| | behaviours - the narcissist devalues them
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| monopolise their siblings or their
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| | - the narcissist feels stifled and
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| newborn children. This way, indirectly,
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| | trapped - the narcissist becomes paranoid
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| they benefit from the attention directed
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| | - the narcissist rebels and the family
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| at the infants. The sibling or offspring
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| | disintegrates.
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| become vicarious sources of Narcissistic
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| | This cycle characterises not only the
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| Supply and proxies for the narcissist.
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| | family life of the narcissist. It is to
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| An example: by being closely identified
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| | be found in other realms of his life (his
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| with his offspring, a narcissistic father
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| | career, for instance). At work, the
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| secures the grateful admiration of the
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| | narcissist, initially, feels threatened
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| mother ("What an outstanding father
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| | (no one knows him, he is a nobody). Then,
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| brother he is"). He also assumes part of
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| | he develops a circle of admirers, cronies
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| or all the credit for baby's/sibling's
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| | and friends which he "nurtures and
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| achievements. This is a process of
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| | cultivates" in order to obtain
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| annexation and assimilation of the other,
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| | Narcissistic Supply from them. He
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| a strategy that the narcissist makes use
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| | overvalues them (to him, they are the
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| of in most of his relationships.
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| | brightest, the most loyal, with the
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| As siblings or progeny grow older, the
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| | biggest chances to climb the corporate
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| narcissist begins to see their potential
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| | ladder and other superlatives).
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| to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory
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| | But following some anti-narcissistic
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| Sources of Narcissistic Supply. His
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| | behaviours on their part (a critical
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| attitude, then, is completely
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| | remark, a disagreement, a refusal,
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| transformed. The former threats have now
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| | however polite) - the narcissist devalues
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| become promising potentials. He
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| | all these previously idealized
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| cultivates those whom he trusts to be the
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| | individuals. Now that they have dared
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| most rewarding. He encourages them to
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| | oppose him - they are judged by him to be
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| idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by
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| | stupid, cowardly, lacking in ambition,
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| him, to admire his deeds and
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| | skills and talents, common (the worst
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| capabilities, to learn to blindly trust
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| | expletive in the narcissist's
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| and obey him, in short to surrender to
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| | vocabulary), with an unspectacular career
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| his charisma and to become submerged in
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| | ahead of them.
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| his follies-de-grandeur.
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| | The narcissist feels that he is
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| It is at this stage that the risk of
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| | misallocating his scarce and invaluable
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| child abuse - up to and including
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| | resources (for instance, his time). He
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| outright incest - is heightened. The
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| | feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels
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| narcissist is auto-erotic. He is the
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| | and erupts in a serious of self-defeating
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| preferred object of his own sexual
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| | and self-destructive behaviours, which
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| attraction. His siblings and his children
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| | lead to the disintegration of his life.
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| share his genetic material. Molesting or
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| | Doomed to build and ruin, attach and
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| having intercourse with them is as close
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| | detach, appreciate and depreciate, the
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| as the narcissist gets to having sex with
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| | narcissist is predictable in his "death
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| himself.
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| | wish". What sets him apart from other
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| Moreover, the narcissist perceives sex in
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| | suicidal types is that his wish is
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| terms of annexation. The partner is
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| | granted to him in small, tormenting doses
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| "assimilated" and becomes an extension of
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| | throughout his anguished life.
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