| We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: | | | | an extension of the narcissist, a fully controlled and |
| the one that we are born to and the one(s) that we | | | | manipulated object. Sex, to the narcissist, is the |
| create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes | | | | ultimate act of depersonalization and objectification |
| and desires - a whole emotional baggage - from the | | | | of the other. He actually masturbates with other |
| former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception. | | | | people's bodies. |
| The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: | | | | Minors pose little danger of criticizing the narcissist or |
| humans are either Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, | | | | confronting him. They are perfect, malleable and |
| then, idealised and over-valued) or do not fulfil this | | | | abundant sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist |
| function (and, therefore, are valueless, devalued). The | | | | derives gratification from having coital relations with |
| narcissist gets all the love that he needs from himself. | | | | adulating, physically and mentally inferior, |
| From the outside he needs approval, affirmation, | | | | inexperienced and dependent "bodies". |
| admiration, adoration, attention - in other words, | | | | These roles - allocated to them explicitly and |
| externalised Ego boundary functions. | | | | demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the |
| He does not require - nor does he seek - his parents' | | | | narcissist - are best fulfilled by ones whose mind is |
| or his siblings' love, or to be loved by his children. He | | | | not yet fully formed and independent. The older the |
| casts them as the audience in the theatre of his | | | | siblings or offspring, the more they become critical, |
| inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, | | | | even judgemental, of the narcissist. They are better |
| shock them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, | | | | able to put into context and perspective his actions, |
| inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate them, | | | | to question his motives, to anticipate his moves. |
| or manipulate them. | | | | As they mature, they often refuse to continue to |
| He emulates and simulates an entire range of | | | | play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold |
| emotions and employs every means to achieve | | | | grudges against him for what he has done to them in |
| these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars | | | | the past, when they were less capable of resistance. |
| - their very self is a false one). He acts the pitiful, or, | | | | They can gauge his true stature, talents and |
| its opposite, the resilient and reliable. He stuns and | | | | achievements - which, usually, lag far behind the |
| shines with outstanding intellectual, or physical | | | | claims that he makes. |
| capacities and achievements, or behaviour patterns | | | | This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first |
| appreciated by the members of the family. When | | | | phase. Again, he perceives his siblings or sons |
| confronted with (younger) siblings or with his own | | | | daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned |
| children, the narcissist is likely to go through three | | | | and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes |
| phases: | | | | emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any |
| At first, he perceives his offspring or siblings as a | | | | effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures |
| threat to his Narcissistic Supply, such as the attention | | | | and the preciousness and scarceness of his time. |
| of his spouse, or mother, as the case may be. They | | | | He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, |
| intrude on his turf and invade the Pathological | | | | and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to |
| Narcissistic Space. The narcissist does his best to | | | | abandon his commitments to people who have |
| belittle them, hurt (even physically) and humiliate | | | | become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He |
| them and then, when these reactions prove | | | | does not understand why he has to support them, |
| ineffective or counter productive, he retreats into an | | | | or to suffer their company and he believes himself to |
| imaginary world of omnipotence. A period of | | | | have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped. |
| emotional absence and detachment ensues. | | | | He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to |
| His aggression having failed to elicit Narcissistic Supply, | | | | act or by intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or |
| the narcissist proceeds to indulge himself in | | | | actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, |
| daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning of future | | | | unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and |
| coups, nostalgia and hurt (the Lost Paradise | | | | so on). Slowly - to justify his acts to himself - he |
| Syndrome). The narcissist reacts this way to the | | | | gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear |
| birth of his children or to the introduction of new foci | | | | paranoid hues. |
| of attention to the family cell (even to a new pet!). | | | | To his mind, the members of the family conspire |
| Whoever the narcissist perceives to be in | | | | against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or |
| competition for scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated | | | | subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie his |
| to the role of the enemy. Where the uninhibited | | | | growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he |
| expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by | | | | wants and the family that he has created |
| this predicament is illegitimate or impossible - the | | | | disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of |
| narcissist prefers to stay away. Rather than attack | | | | the Narcissistic Space) - but also to his great relief |
| his offspring or siblings, he sometimes immediately | | | | and surprise (how could they have let go someone |
| disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes | | | | as unique as he?). |
| cold and uninterested, or directs transformed anger | | | | This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by |
| at his mate or at his parents (the more "legitimate" | | | | arrival of new family members - he tries to assimilate |
| targets). | | | | or annex of siblings or offspring - he obtains |
| Other narcissists see the opportunity in the "mishap". | | | | Narcissistic Supply from them - he overvalues and |
| They seek to manipulate their parents (or their | | | | idealizes these newfound sources - as sources grow |
| mate) by "taking over" the newcomer. Such | | | | older and independent, they adopt anti narcissistic |
| narcissists monopolise their siblings or their newborn | | | | behaviours - the narcissist devalues them - the |
| children. This way, indirectly, they benefit from the | | | | narcissist feels stifled and trapped - the narcissist |
| attention directed at the infants. The sibling or | | | | becomes paranoid - the narcissist rebels and the |
| offspring become vicarious sources of Narcissistic | | | | family disintegrates. |
| Supply and proxies for the narcissist. | | | | This cycle characterises not only the family life of the |
| An example: by being closely identified with his | | | | narcissist. It is to be found in other realms of his life |
| offspring, a narcissistic father secures the grateful | | | | (his career, for instance). At work, the narcissist, |
| admiration of the mother ("What an outstanding | | | | initially, feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a |
| father/brother he is"). He also assumes part of or all | | | | nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, |
| the credit for baby's/sibling's achievements. This is a | | | | cronies and friends which he "nurtures and cultivates" |
| process of annexation and assimilation of the other, a | | | | in order to obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He |
| strategy that the narcissist makes use of in most of | | | | overvalues them (to him, they are the brightest, the |
| his relationships. | | | | most loyal, with the biggest chances to climb the |
| As siblings or progeny grow older, the narcissist | | | | corporate ladder and other superlatives). |
| begins to see their potential to be edifying, reliable | | | | But following some anti-narcissistic behaviours on their |
| and satisfactory Sources of Narcissistic Supply. His | | | | part (a critical remark, a disagreement, a refusal, |
| attitude, then, is completely transformed. The former | | | | however polite) - the narcissist devalues all these |
| threats have now become promising potentials. He | | | | previously idealized individuals. Now that they have |
| cultivates those whom he trusts to be the most | | | | dared oppose him - they are judged by him to be |
| rewarding. He encourages them to idolise him, to | | | | stupid, cowardly, lacking in ambition, skills and talents, |
| adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds | | | | common (the worst expletive in the narcissist's |
| and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, | | | | vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of |
| in short to surrender to his charisma and to become | | | | them. |
| submerged in his follies-de-grandeur. | | | | The narcissist feels that he is misallocating his scarce |
| It is at this stage that the risk of child abuse - up to | | | | and invaluable resources (for instance, his time). He |
| and including outright incest - is heightened. The | | | | feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and erupts |
| narcissist is auto-erotic. He is the preferred object of | | | | in a serious of self-defeating and self-destructive |
| his own sexual attraction. His siblings and his children | | | | behaviours, which lead to the disintegration of his life. |
| share his genetic material. Molesting or having | | | | Doomed to build and ruin, attach and detach, |
| intercourse with them is as close as the narcissist | | | | appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist is predictable |
| gets to having sex with himself. | | | | in his "death wish". What sets him apart from other |
| Moreover, the narcissist perceives sex in terms of | | | | suicidal types is that his wish is granted to him in |
| annexation. The partner is "assimilated" and becomes | | | | small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life. |