| Let's do something really silly. Pretend you're climbing | | | | how to better read emotions and handle their own |
| a mountain and you notice the rope you're holding on | | | | emotions in a healthy manners. |
| to starts fraying. You can see it's about to break at | | | | What you don't "unlearn" as a child, you take with you |
| any moment. Your climbing buddy next to you tells | | | | as an adult. |
| "don't worry, just have a good attitude and everything | | | | UCLA psychologist Allan Schore theorizes that the |
| will work out." You're probably thinking that an extra | | | | development of the key part of your brain involved in |
| rope to hold on to would be much more useful than an | | | | relationships, the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC), depends |
| attitude adjustment. Of course, you'd be right. It's | | | | on your childhood experiences. If you had an abusive |
| obvious a good attitude isn't enough in this situation | | | | childhood, your OFC may not develop correctly - |
| because it doesn't address the underlying problem - | | | | resulting in a limited ability to handle emotions like anger, |
| the rope that's about to drop you 500 stories down to | | | | shame, or fear. Yet, it's being able to effectively |
| the ravine below. | | | | handle these "negative" emotions that enables you to |
| Do your relationships ever feel like you're just hanging | | | | navigate through the world of human relationships with |
| on by a thread? | | | | great skill. |
| You may know you're in a bad relationship. Maybe | | | | But there is hope. |
| your partner is too controlling, or they're too dependent | | | | Because the brain can change somewhat due to new |
| on you. Maybe there's always a lot of fighting or | | | | experiences (scientists call this neuroplasticity), finding a |
| screaming. Perhaps there's not enough trust in the | | | | nurturing relationship later in life can help to rewrite the |
| relationship. Something always feels out of balance. | | | | abusive scripts that were placed into your brain as a |
| In a bad relationship, nobody's needs are getting met in | | | | child. But how do you start doing this? |
| a healthy manner. | | | | The answer is through trusting relationships. |
| Perhaps you may find yourself leaving these | | | | Now if you've been abused, you may not feel like you |
| relationships and starting new ones only to find the | | | | can trust anyone right now, especially if all you've |
| same patterns repeating. Or you may be telling | | | | known are bad relationships. But that's ok. Schore |
| yourself that if you just have a "good attitude" things | | | | makes the case that if you find an effective therapist, |
| will work themselves out? But wouldn't it be great if | | | | you will automatically start to build rapport and trust, |
| you could stop waiting for the bad situation to work | | | | without blame, neglect, and all the other negative |
| itself out and do something to understand how to work | | | | emotions from your past abusive experiences. |
| it out now? | | | | Now if you've tried therapy before and you feel like it |
| To understand why you keep struggling in relationships, | | | | didn't work, this is where having a good attitude can |
| let's look at some research done on preschoolers. | | | | help. |
| When researchers looked at preschoolers who had | | | | It may be the particular therapist you tried wasn't right |
| been abused through repeated injury or physical pain | | | | for you. I suggest trying to find a therapist that |
| by their caregivers, it turns out these preschoolers lost | | | | practices cognitive-behavioral therapy, as that |
| the ability to read the emotions on people's faces | | | | particular style of therapy works on helping you |
| correctly. They perceived anger on faces that had | | | | develop skills to change your thinking patterns and your |
| neutral or even sad expressions. Obviously, in an | | | | actions, which is how you change anything in your |
| abusive situation at home where there is real danger, | | | | life. It could be that you didn't attend therapy regularly |
| this hypersensitivity may have protected them. | | | | enough so you could build that sense of trust. |
| But this same thing that protects them at home | | | | Overwriting your past learned relationship behaviors |
| brought trouble on the playground. For instance, | | | | takes time, patience, and a good attitude. Like |
| reading anger into situations where there is none leads | | | | climbing a mountain with a rope that's about to snap, a |
| school bullies into attacking other children whom they | | | | good attitude isn't enough to stop you from struggling in |
| perceive to have hostile intentions (it should be noted | | | | relationships. You have to learn how to build the |
| schoolyard bullies often have a history of physical | | | | foundational skills of all good relationships - namely, |
| abuse). | | | | regulation your emotional and communication patterns |
| Had these preschoolers had a family that modeled | | | | to get healthy results. But a good attitude will help |
| how to manage anger appropriately and been there | | | | you to keep trying. And that's what eventually leads |
| for the child, these same preschoolers would learn | | | | to your success. |