| Let's do something really silly. Pretend you're | | | | how to better read emotions and handle their own |
| climbing a mountain and you notice the rope you're | | | | emotions in a healthy manners. |
| holding on to starts fraying. You can see it's about | | | | What you don't "unlearn" as a child, you take with |
| to break at any moment. Your climbing buddy next | | | | you as an adult. |
| to you tells "don't worry, just have a good attitude | | | | UCLA psychologist Allan Schore theorizes that the |
| and everything will work out." You're probably | | | | development of the key part of your brain involved |
| thinking that an extra rope to hold on to would be | | | | in relationships, the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC), |
| much more useful than an attitude adjustment. Of | | | | depends on your childhood experiences. If you had |
| course, you'd be right. It's obvious a good attitude | | | | an abusive childhood, your OFC may not develop |
| isn't enough in this situation because it doesn't | | | | correctly - resulting in a limited ability to handle |
| address the underlying problem - the rope that's | | | | emotions like anger, shame, or fear. Yet, it's being |
| about to drop you 500 stories down to the ravine | | | | able to effectively handle these "negative" emotions |
| below. | | | | that enables you to navigate through the world of |
| Do your relationships ever feel like you're just hanging | | | | human relationships with great skill. |
| on by a thread? | | | | But there is hope. |
| You may know you're in a bad relationship. Maybe | | | | Because the brain can change somewhat due to new |
| your partner is too controlling, or they're too | | | | experiences (scientists call this neuroplasticity), finding |
| dependent on you. Maybe there's always a lot of | | | | a nurturing relationship later in life can help to rewrite |
| fighting or screaming. Perhaps there's not enough | | | | the abusive scripts that were placed into your brain |
| trust in the relationship. Something always feels out | | | | as a child. But how do you start doing this? |
| of balance. In a bad relationship, nobody's needs are | | | | The answer is through trusting relationships. |
| getting met in a healthy manner. | | | | Now if you've been abused, you may not feel like |
| Perhaps you may find yourself leaving these | | | | you can trust anyone right now, especially if all |
| relationships and starting new ones only to find the | | | | you've known are bad relationships. But that's ok. |
| same patterns repeating. Or you may be telling | | | | Schore makes the case that if you find an |
| yourself that if you just have a "good attitude" | | | | effective therapist, you will automatically start to |
| things will work themselves out? But wouldn't it be | | | | build rapport and trust, without blame, neglect, and all |
| great if you could stop waiting for the bad situation | | | | the other negative emotions from your past abusive |
| to work itself out and do something to understand | | | | experiences. |
| how to work it out now? | | | | Now if you've tried therapy before and you feel like |
| To understand why you keep struggling in | | | | it didn't work, this is where having a good attitude |
| relationships, let's look at some research done on | | | | can help. |
| preschoolers. | | | | It may be the particular therapist you tried wasn't |
| When researchers looked at preschoolers who had | | | | right for you. I suggest trying to find a therapist |
| been abused through repeated injury or physical pain | | | | that practices cognitive-behavioral therapy, as that |
| by their caregivers, it turns out these preschoolers | | | | particular style of therapy works on helping you |
| lost the ability to read the emotions on people's | | | | develop skills to change your thinking patterns and |
| faces correctly. They perceived anger on faces | | | | your actions, which is how you change anything in |
| that had neutral or even sad expressions. Obviously, | | | | your life. It could be that you didn't attend therapy |
| in an abusive situation at home where there is real | | | | regularly enough so you could build that sense of |
| danger, this hypersensitivity may have protected | | | | trust. |
| them. | | | | Overwriting your past learned relationship behaviors |
| But this same thing that protects them at home | | | | takes time, patience, and a good attitude. Like |
| brought trouble on the playground. For instance, | | | | climbing a mountain with a rope that's about to snap, |
| reading anger into situations where there is none | | | | a good attitude isn't enough to stop you from |
| leads school bullies into attacking other children whom | | | | struggling in relationships. You have to learn how to |
| they perceive to have hostile intentions (it should be | | | | build the foundational skills of all good relationships - |
| noted schoolyard bullies often have a history of | | | | namely, regulation your emotional and communication |
| physical abuse). | | | | patterns to get healthy results. But a good attitude |
| Had these preschoolers had a family that modeled | | | | will help you to keep trying. And that's what |
| how to manage anger appropriately and been there | | | | eventually leads to your success. |
| for the child, these same preschoolers would learn | | | | |